A soul shattered

Late July 2009


Sitting outside on the patio of the Bon Temps house I knew it was past time to put him away. To give up hope, but I'd been holding onto him for so long it was not something I could just easily do. I sat staring at the ring on my finger for hours. Twisting it, playing with it, not wanting to take it off.

The night grew late, the rain began, mixing with my tears as I let memories of him and our life together wash over me. Star was visiting our father and I had the place to myself to just grieve for a vampire that owned my very soul.

Soaked to the bone, crying uncontrollably, clutching his picture to my heart, I slowly slid the diamond from my finger and held it in my palm.

Empty.

Shattered.

Dead.

I felt as though I were betraying him. That I needed to just hold on a little longer. But it was painfully clear that he wasn't coming back. I'd searched and searched for years. More years than I probably should've. But I just couldn't give up on him. He'd never given up on me.

I sat in that chair as dawn approached, watching the sun streak the sky purples and reds. Knowing that he was somewhere and he chose to be there without me. That is the part that shattered my soul the most. How he could just walk away from all that we shared.

I finally got out of that chair and walked to the bedroom in a fog. Climbing in the bed I pulled the box with his letters to me out and randomly chose one. My tears smeared the words he'd written. I'd read them so many times over the years, I could recite them by heart and yet here I lay in bed, drenched, reading the words that broke my heart with every letter.

Holding on to it as if it were the only thing saving me that night, I lay to sleep in his shirt, wrapped in a scent that had faded many years before and yet I could still smell him. I could still feel him. I could still love him.

Sleep didn't come that day, nor the next. I just sat in bed for two days holding that ring and his letters. I couldn't bear to let go. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to someone I loved so much. Someone who was such a part of me.

Tears flowed freely as I stood and laid the ring gently into the box, on top of letters, roses from years back and a shirt that had brought me such comfort for so many years. Closing the lid and locking it shut, I successfully locked my shattered soul in that box.

I never once said goodbye to Draven. I simply whispered a soft 'Until we meet again my love' as I slid the box to the back of the closet and sank to the floor in quiet, soul wrenching sobs. Sobs that no one heard, no one would ever hear.

The box remains locked to this very day. I have not been able to bring myself to open it. It holds a love so deep that to have opened it without him would have been asking for despair to consume me. Perhaps someday Dusk shall do the honors and release me from the prison that box represents. A prison of my own making.

SUN