Regrets?????

I get asked this alot lately. Do I have any regrets about walking away from Draven and a life I'd dreamt of for so long. And I can honestly say No, I don't.

The reason? Because I needed to be happy. Not that Draven couldn't make me happy. He damn sure tried. And I'll always care for him. He was my first love. He will always hold a spot in my heart.

That said, I came to the realization that when I started going to Severus in private almost immdediately, that maybe I wasn't with who I truly loved.

And Severus, being the rational one, tried to help me see that I could very well end up regretting coming to him. Did I?

NO!

I tried to stay away. I really, really did. I just couldn't. So I stole moments of time with him. Moments where I was at peace and happy. The touch of his hand, the way he smiled at me, it all was so right.

And every time I walked away from him, I left another piece of my soul behind. And then the night came, where I didn't walk away. And I don't regret it.

I continued to live a lie publicly and live a love privately. And it finally became too much. I went to my maker and asked for advice. And once again, being the wise queen that she is, she told me to find what made me the happiest and go get it.

So, I thought and thought, and baked cookies. Yes, I baked cookies. Lots and lots of fucking cookies. And I kept coming back to the thought of never seeing Severus again.

And I felt such an emptiness inside. And I thought about how he makes me laugh, and how I want to wake up next to him every night and go to sleep with him every dawn.

How I want to know his dreams and help make them come true. And how his happiness matters more than my own.

So, I took myself to Draven and told him everything I was feeling. And I admitted what I'd done. And I stood there and I listened to him and his feelings. I owed him that.

The next step was the hardest of all. I needed to talk to Severus, not knowing if he'd even listen to what I had to say. It's very different saying it publicly, with no ties to bind you to anyone, than it is saying it in the heat of the moment, when you're breaking all the rules.

He made me the happiest vampire undead when he said I had a chance. But I won't lie, I want more than just a chance. I want HIM. I want him to choose me.

Yet, I know there is a possibility he won't. I hurt him. I walked away. And maybe I don't deserve the chance to be with him. But I plan to fight for him. Because he's worth it.

And if he chooses to walk away, then I'll respect that and let him go. Not because I want to, but because I love him enough to want him to be happy. Even if I end up with a broken heart.

I'd rather have had these few nights with him again, than a lifetime of knowing I didn't even try. Fate has a way of stepping in and working it all out the way it's meant to be.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy every single second I have with him. And do my best to prove to him that I am not going anywhere again. My heart belongs to him. It has since that first night he smiled me.

The future is uncertain, but my heart is true.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.