A forever kind of love?

Who wouldn't want a man that loves them with such passion and such depth? And that's what he does. He loves me.

He's only ever loved me. It was his love that brought my soul to life. It was his love that opened my eyes to goodness in the world.

How do I keep forgetting that? Why do I keep letting myself lose sight of how deeply he loves me?

And most importantly, why do I keep hurting him?

He deserves so much better than me.

Why can't he see that? I am nothing. Just the girl who breaks his heart.

And I hate myself more and more every second for doing it.

How did I lose my focus? How did I forget that love that was so all consuming for my entire life? Am I so different now that I can't let myself love him the way he deserves?

Or am I just so scared of losing him again that I push him away? Either way I'm torn to pieces over the pain I've caused. I've settled for a life with less meaning.

He brought me joy and peace once upon a time. He gave me more than I could have ever imagined or ever wanted.

His kiss ignites a fire that burns so hot it consumes us both. He pushes me away and I just walk right back in the door.

Is it possible to find my way back now? Or am I too lost? And if I did, have I pushed him too far away? Could he ever trust me again?

I have myself to blame for all of this. I had him. He loved me. And I turned my back on that for what? A chance at happiness?

Well, I'm not happy. I'm so damn miserable that most days I just wish for final death. It would be easier than seeing the pain in his eyes, feeling his hurt through a bond so strong that it knocks me off my feet every single day.

How do I forget him? Is it possible? And can I ever really let go of him? Or will the thought of him drive me to insanity with needing him so desperately.

He's the best part of my heart. His smile brings me the closest to Heaven that I'll ever get.

So....

How do I live without him? Is it possible? Do I even want to try? With one touch he has me feeling like that girl that loved him with all of her being. Is that what real love is? Is it knowing that someone only wants the best for you, even if it means they are in pain? Is it when he looks at you and you see forever in his eyes? Or is when he lets you go, so that you may find your way in the world but continues to guide you and protect you?

Is he my forever?

Sunshine.