Sun's FINAL Act

I started role play as a way to escape the misery that was my RL and to have fun. What I found were some very talented individuals that I am honored to have had the chance to play with. But somewhere along the line, there came to be childish individuals that decided they could destroy what I worked so hard to accomplish.

Over the last few days I've remained off stream and off role play. I've lurked from time to time and what I've seen has shocked me. Those I thought were "family" were the first to unfollow me or turn their backs. I've watched my name come out people's mouths when I'm nowhere around.

I've seen people I once respected become people I wouldn't wish to spend 5 seconds with. I've become ashamed that I once considered them friends. The backstabbing and the drama are out of hand and it seems all fingers wish to point towards me. So I've decided to end it. On my terms, in my way.

Tomorrow morning I'll say my goodbyes to those that have stood beside me through thick and thin and then I will be deleting my accounts. All except my RL ones. Those that matter have those and those that don't don't deserve them.

For my followers, thank you for investing your time and energy into my storylines. For my RP partners, thank you for the ride, it was great and I'll never forget you all.

I will not be lurking on TB RP. I will not be coming back. Sun's time has ended and it is time for the human that animated her to find a new outlet for her creativity. Blood Play the group will no longer exist. I'll be removing the websites and all content on Friday in order to give those that wish the chance to take what they wish.

As for Sun, well she'll be living happily on with her maker and her teacup Siena. Her immortal life does not end, but her twitter life does.

Before I go, I wish to thank two people that have never once turned their back on me. My Sonnyboy Chase, who has given me unconditional love and support. I love you more than you could ever know. I wish you the best in everything you do.

Amber, RP friendship turned to RL friendship. I value every second I get to spend chatting with you. I absolutely love and adore you beyond anyone else on this stream. You know loyalty! See you on gchat!

*wipes the tears and links arms with Kills, picking up Siena on our way out of this nightmare and on to bigger and better things.

Ramblings of a heartbroken vampire

How do I go on without you? Where do I find the strength? You are my entire world Dusk. My heart, my soul, everything that makes me ME.

You promised me forever. You promised me you'd never leave again. But you did. This emptiness is too painful to bear. I can't face the night not knowing you're in this world.

Killian tells me that I need to calm my emotions and move on. He doesn't understand. None of them understand. How can they? They weren't loved by you the way I was. They don't feel this gaping hole in their soul like I do.

I miss you so much already Dusk. I love you more than anything. I can't do this. We don't work as a family without you. How could you just leave us? How could you?

How do I find my way in this journey alone? It doesn't matter how many others are around me Dusk, without you, I am alone.

*sighs and leans back against the wall of your closet, holding your picture to my cold, unbeating heart.*

It was supposed to be you and me, for eternity. I love you. I have loved you. I will always love you. That never ends Dusk. WE NEVER END. Not Sunshine and Dusk. We're meant to be.

You're Always My Dusk, I'm Forever Your Sunshine. *whispers* I love you Always. Forever.

Meeting my maker.

One minute I was standing on a ladder and the next I was in his arms and kissing him. How did that happen? I've been asking myself that same question since it happened. Before I knew it I was in my office and we were naked. Not that I minded or anything. I mean, seriously, have you seen Killian?

But, even that doesn't make it okay for me to be having sex with him when my husband is missing. What I didn't know at the time was that I couldn't have resisted him even if I'd wanted to. Scary thing is, I wanted to be with him. Thinking back, I've wanted to be with him since he first appeared in town. I never acted on it of course. I love Draven. I always have.

Then, one night I woke to find my hubbypire missing. Yes, missing. It got complicated after that. I started spending more and more time with Killian. He made me happy. He still makes me happy. I find comfort in his arms and he smells just like Dusk. Yes, I know I sound crazy now, but remember Vampires have a good sense of smell.

Then, it got even more intense. Chase hated Killian. Mom wasn't his biggest fan. I was the only one who seemed to like him. Or I did until I woke screaming in pain and knew it was Draven. I could feel his pain, hear his growl. Killian held me and offered comfort. Until I decided to go search for Draven myself.

That started World War 3 in the Blood household. Killian argued that it was too dangerous. I argued that Draven was my husband and I was going no matter what. We were still arguing and I'd almost given in when Chase and Mom arrived. I was distracted and not really paying attention, so I didn't notice that they both looked sad and more than a little nervous. I wasn't listening to Chase or Mom as they spoke and it wasn't until Mom handed me that fucking box that I knew what they were trying to say.

I didn't believe them. My Dusk is not gone. I'd know it if he were. Killian would know it. So when I saw his ring and those ashes, I knew it was a warning. He is not final dead. I'll never believe it. I became more determined than ever to go find him. I grabbed Chase and was on my way out the door when IT happened.

Killian spoke. No, Killian commanded me to stop. AND I FROZE. I mean, literally froze where I was standing. It felt as though someone had climbed on my chest and was holding me in place. My body would not move.

I became frantic. I had no fucking clue what was happening to me. I looked from Killian to Mom and back again over and over. I was pleading with Mom to tell me what was happening. I'd never felt this before. I was terrified for the first time since I was turned.

Six words cleared it all up. Six words I never would've expected to come out of Killian's mouth directed at ME. Those words will haunt me til the day I meet final death.

"As your maker I command you...."

It didn't matter what came after them. It all clicked. The call of my maker was too strong to deny. As it dawned on me, my body was moving to his side. And at his side I would remain as I was commanded to do. I stared at him in disbelief and shock.

Killian is my maker.

There was no denying it. I am the Child of my bonded's Child.

When I figure out how and why, you'll be the first to know. Until then, well, I'll just be Sun, Child of Killian.

Being Sunshine

As I embark upon this undeath within the role of creator/admin of Blood Play I felt it time to take a moment and give some insight into Sunshine Marie Spencer dé Morte - di Castello - dé Lioncourt - May - Blood.

Say that ten times fast.

I am vampire.

What else do you need to know?

Oh yes, you wish to know about being Sunshine. Well, being Sunshine is the most fun I've ever had. It's also the most trying. I struggle nightly to remain true to a character that I created.

You see, Sunshine is not just vampire. She is so much more. She is bits and pieces of the human who animates her thrown in with the fictional character. She gets her attitude from that human. But she also gets her heart from her too.

Sun is a vampire that fights hard to maintain her humanity. Even when faced with tragedy and heartbreak, she's clear that she'd rather feel the emotions than face an eternity with none.

Unlike the human behind the character, Sun is happily married and very much in love with her Dusk. Their love story is one that touches my soul every single night on Twitter. Sun and Draven have found something rare and real. They work hard to keep it on track now that they've finally found their way to eternity together.

They've created a family together that consists of human teacups and vampire creations. Sunshine is much like that human behind her in that she'd protect her children to all extremes. Including laying her own un-life down for them. Any of them.

Sunshine is happy in her personal life and more than happy in her professional life. She's worked hard to get where she is and she's earned her respect. Sunshine is loyal if nothing else. Business always comes first. Sun does not break the laws of her kind. And she does NOT like being put in a position where she may be forced to. The human behind Sun hates for people to spring things on her in RP. Sometimes it's ok but if it puts Sun in a position where it is OUT OF CHARACTER the huamn becomes a bitch.

Also unlike the human, Sunshine has a large family. She's been adopted by three vampires and a demon. Her family is her life line so to speak. They protect her and love her without conditions. Sunshine would do anything for those she loves and her family, she loves.

Much like the human, Sunshine loves shoes. Unlike the human, Sun is never seen without her stilettos. She is designer all the way. She does not wear pants often and when you see her in jeans or flats, worry.

So there you have it..what it's like being Sunshine. Thank you for following and letting me live out her undeath nightly.

SUN

Undeath, as usual.....

Going to ground has always been the one thing that soothes my tortured soul. So when I went to ground Wednesday night I thought I'd wake to feeling rejuvenated and relaxed. I'd hoped to rise with a better understanding of why things had happened the way they did.

Instead I woke startled in the middle of the day. My soul and heart felt empty. An emptiness I hadn't felt since Dusk had returned and pulled me into his embrace earlier this year. I couldn't put my finger on it. Something just wasn't right.

I called to him repeatedly through the bond of our blood to no avail. He just wasn't there. I couldn't feel him. Panic set in and I began to claw my way out of the grave I'd placed myself in.

Chase stopped it with the promise of finding him. That child of mine is very in tune with my feelings. With his promise I calmed some, but continued to try calling to Dusk.

It wasn't long before self-doubt crept in. The memories flooded me of that night I found his nest empty. Of the night my world dropped out from under my feet and my entire life changed. I tried hard to tell myself that this was not the same. We are not the same. Dusk would not just leave his family.

Not my Dusk. Not now. When the sun finally set I frantically clawed my way out and sped into our home to look for him. He wasn't there. I felt the world spin, this was bad. He had simply vanished. Just like before. Once again the doubts crept in.

Had he just left? What did this mean for our family? How do I explain his absence? Especially now.

You see, now is the worse time possible for one of us to just be gone. We've taken in a teacup, his child has returned, my professional life is busier than ever and we've only been married a little over a month. How could this have happened? And how do I fix it?

How does one go about finding someone who has simply ceased to be? Because in essence that's what's happened. My Dusk is gone. I can't feel him. I can't find him. I can't communicate with him.

How do I hide my fears and pain from my children? Especially my vampire ones? They can feel it all, they know what I feel, they know how scared I really am. But, I can't face them. I can't face him being gone.

To face it means it's real. And if it's real it means he's truly gone. And I could never face that. I'd rather have met final death than to ever lose him again. So, what do I do?

I guess I go about undeath as usual. Explain away his absence and secretly search for him. And in the meantime I simply try to not fall apart. No one can know that he's gone. Not a single soul. They have to believe he's away on business.

Why?

Because his absence opens up too many unknowns and I don't have the strength to deal with those and losing him. I just can't.

~Sun~

An open letter from the human that animates SUN

America. The wonderful country I live in that gives me the right to FREEDOM OF SPEECH. Guess what I use it. If I wish to post a blip and bitch, it's my right. Don't like it? UNFUCKINGFOLLOW. No fucking skin off my back.

Want to call me out for blipping something that never had a name attached? Go right ahead. Unless I specifically SAY YOUR NAME...why do you just ASSUME it's about you? I could be talking about a bitch from a whole other section of the world.

You create account after account to stalk me and harass those I RP with? Sounds like your life is B-O-R-I-N-G!! I'm sick of keeping my mouth shut. So guess what I'm opening it. Wanna talk about how people are "sick" of me? Go ahead..Yet my followers aren't going down...Wanna call me a bitch? Yep, I sure the fuck am..Thank you for noticiing. I sit back and listen to people run their fucking mouths about me all damn day long. Don't say a fucking word. Why? Cuz I find it funny as fuck when their so called friends run back and TELL ME every fucking word they said.

Talk about me. Talk all you want. I can handle it. Want me gone? Too bad, so fucking sad for you. YOU don't run my LIFE. I DO. Always fucking have. Always fucking will. You have a BLOCK and UNFOLLOW BUTTON...USE THE FUCKING THING.

Oh yeah and since everyone fucking is sick of me....guess those 60+ RPers that joined BLOOD PLAY are just figments of my imagination, right?

The human is pissed. The vampire will be watching the stream and calming down before she posts. I regret deleting the fucking tweets. Why? Because I FUCKING MEANT THEM. Damage done? OH MOTHER FUCKING WELL. SO FUCKING BE IT. At the end of the day, my REAL friends will be here. In fact I do believe I'll start unfollowing. My stream sure will be nicer without a bunch of people who fucking hate me so much.

The Human,
Donna aka SUN

A heart broken

Betrayal.

Heartbroken.

How could he keep this from me? It's as if I've never really known him. To keep this from me is the ultimate betrayal.

And yet, my heart feels nothing. Empty. Numb. His turning another? More than I can bare. He knew, he felt how desperately I wanted him to be the one. He pushed me away with words that now mean nothing. Words of protection, and how I was too young. Lies. All of them lies.

And now? Now I have to see his creation every night. Have to deal with their relationship. Fight my attraction to him. And learn to trust Dusk again. When all I really wish is to go to ground until I feel better. Hide.

Hide from myself more than anyone. I know that I shouldn't feel this hurt. I know his reasons but my heart still aches knowing that no matter how it happened, he still turned another.

Where do we go from here? Can this be fixed? We've survived worse. And yet.......

I can't even think past now. I am so overwhelmed by it all. And then to feel his creation's emotions. To know the pain he's felt. To have felt the anguish in which he rose. A story that must come out. A story that I need to hear.

For now, I simply must find a way to stay above ground and focus on trying to keep this family together. ALL of this family. Because no matter what, Killian is now family.

I think I'll find my way to his arms, and for just tonight, not think about the consequences of it all.

Teacups

Teacups and vampires normally don't mix, and yet I find myself wanting more of them. After giving up Siena at birth and then being turned, I never once thought about being a mother. Then fate stepped in and gave me the chance to get back what I never really knew I wanted.

To see her angelic face and not love her would have been like asking me to refrain from drinking blood for the rest of eternity. Simply not possible. Of course she'd crossed my mind over the years but I just managed to push those thoughts away. Then when Brandee showed me the picture of her foster child, I knew, no I felt that I was her mother.

Telling Dusk was the hardest thing I've ever done. His reaction was somewhat confusing but when he told me that he was her father through some strange ass spell gone wrong, I knew that fate had brought us to this point in our lives for a reason. We were meant to raise this teacup. We are her parents and we love her more than you can imagine.

The adjusment seemed to happen quickly. My restraint grows daily and she is learning why Mommy and Daddy are different and has even begun to ask questions about what it's like to be vampire. Not that I'd ever let her see the real dark side, but eventually, when she's old enough, if she wishes to be turned, one of us will do so.

I'm sure I'll catch hell for that last statement, but you have to understand that I knew at an early age this is what I wanted to be. Vampire. So when I'd reached that point in life where I was ready I sought out a maker. Siena won't have far to seek if she chooses. And the choice will be hers and hers alone. No one will pressure her into either lifestyle.

Enough on that subject and back to teacups we go. We have the opportunity now to help out a teacup in need of stability. His mother is one courageous vampire with a heart that is filled with love for him. She's breaking that heart to do what's right for him and I admire her more than she could ever imagine.

Dusk and I discussed this situation at great length and knowing that Scarlett has her son's best interests at heart we've agreed to open our homes and hearts to Darius. She will remain an active, loving mother to her son and our home will be hers as well when she needs it. We will not be his parents, we will simply be Aunt Sun and Uncle Draven and will love him as if he were our own.

We'll treat him no different than Siena or Chase. He will want for nothing, will have rules and structure in his day, and will be loved and protected at all costs.

So there you have it. Very shortly we will be adding to our family. So please make Darius feel welcomed and loved. He is a very special young boy that deserves the best in life. And if you see his mommy Scarlett, tell her how amazing she is. Because this vampire is the bravest one I know.

We love you both very much Scarlett and Darius. Welcome to the craziness that is the Blood Family.

Sunshine.

An open letter to my followers

OOC/IC an issue has been weighing on my heart lately concerning Sun. Before it gets out of hand I feel that I should address this with all of my followers. While I understand that hugs, touching, etc are ways of expressing friendship on here it is getting out of hand. The character of Sun is a character who was severely abused as a child. For her to be hugged and touched this much is not something she would be comfortable with. If you've ever met a victim of abuse you realize that touching is something that is associated with pain.

For those that do not know the backstory of the Sun character I'll give the Reader's Digest version. At the age of six her father began abusing her physically. The beatings were severe enough to leave her near death on more than one occasion. Even after meeting Draven, she found herself withdrawing from his touch. To this day she has moments when touching is not something she will allow.

I've let it go on this long trying to be nice but now I feel the need to put an end to it immediately. If you are not her immediate family or a very close friend I ask that you please refrain from random hugs, kisses, back rubs, or any form of touching. If Sun hugs you first then by all means hug back. She and I love all of the followers with all of our hearts. But I need to remain true to the character of Sun and the backstory that has been well established.

Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to play Sun with conviction and honesty. This will also hopefully free up sometime for me to be able to speak with more of you throughout the night as I won't constantly be hugging a million times a night.

Sunshine

Family.

What exactly does it mean? To me it used to mean sadness, pain and hate. The one day I met this pretty fairy named Laurana and she became my best friend. After that I met her family. And boy was that family HUGE.

They accepted me into their lives because of her and I found something I'd never had. For the first time I had a real family.

I quickly learned that in this family, we protect one another. No one harms another member of us without at least five or more of us popping up to defend that person. That's what family is about.

Mom, Daddy, Mum and Pere have shown me the joy of having parents that support and love their children. Their love is unconditional and constant. No matter the issue or problem they are always there to listen, love and support.

Every member of this family is special to me. I've finally found something that was always lacking in my life. They opened their arms, hearts and lives to me and mine and I am forever grateful to have them in my life.

So, what is family you ask?

For me it's a mixture of all beings that have chosen to come together as a family unit. It's love and acceptance. Just because we don't share DNA doesn't make us any less of a family. We choose to be there for one another. We choose to love one another. We choose to fight beside one another.

That's family. And I have the best damn family ever.

Sunshine.

Drama Llamas....

This blog shouldn't even need to be posted. I thought we were all adults on this site, but apparently not.

Drama llamas have been running rampant through the streams lately and frankly it's gotten real old real quick.

So let me make a suggestion if I may. If you don't like someone, block them. If you hate a bitch cuz she called you a whore, block her. If your friend hates someone and you want to show support, block them. If you just can't stand the looks of someone and hate seeing them in your stream... you guessed it BLOCK THEM

What is this insane need to go attack someone because your friend can't stand them? I just don't get it. Grow the fuck up already.

If you need to call a bitch out, by all means call her or him out in an adult way. Say your peace then block the dumbass and move the fuck on.

This running back and forth and causing bitches stress is childish and you're only showing the stream how stupid you are.

Once you've blocked the fucktard tell all of your friends and followers NOT TO RT the bullshit posts from them. All that is going to do is keep the drama going. Let the bitch run her mouth. Let her enjoy the sound of her own tweets. Let her little friends pat her back and call her a brave girl. Let her make a fool of herself.

Sit back quietly and let her do herself in. Because sooner or later the stream will get tired of her crap and unfollow her dumb ass too. In the meantime you come out smelling like roses because you were adult enough to keep from saying how stupid she is.

In the end it's all about being the bigger person. Every one of these characters has a RL person behind them. When you attack someone remember that you don't know what kind of day that person has had and what they may be going through IRL.

I'll shut the fuck up now since I'm sure you're all sick of me now.

Peace.

Sunshine.

G-Mama

Grandmother.

Grandma.

Nana.

Granny.

Not a single one of those words even comes close to describing me. But it's what I'm becoming thanks to my Sonnyboy and the beautiful human he's helped make my daughter.

It seems my Chase was busy procreating before he was turned and now Beth is carrying what will be my grandson. As much as I don't like any of those icky words above I am so very excited and happy about this teacup.

Yes, I've already begun to spoil him and he's still a little peanut in his mommy's belly. But it's my right to spoil him. Only the best for my grandson.

Tonight they announced they will be naming him Draysun Chase Blood. A combination of mine and Dusk's names. He is so proud and happy, as am I.

My grandson will grow up surrounded by love. He'll never want for anything or ever wonder if he is loved.

I can't wait to meet this little teacup and smother him in kisses. It will be nice to see Siena and Draysun grow up together. They'll be more like brother and sister than Aunt and nephew. I hope they are close, it will be good for both to have the other to help support them in a house full of vampires.

So, what will I be called? G-Mama. Unless my sweet grandson finds another word he likes more. I think I may just whisper in his ear often so that he calls me Sun-Sun. Shhh, don't tell my kids.


Sunshine.

Who is this vampire?

Draven.

Dusk.

Who the fuck is this man I married? He's not the vampire I know or love. This vampire is a shell of his former self.

The Dusk I know would've stood in front of me with fangs bared and fought to final death to defend me. Not push me to my own.

Never in my undeath or life did I think he'd be the one to not be there for me. Yet it was his actions that broke my heart and shattered my soul so intensely that I just wanted to end it all for the first time since being turned.

This vampire is not my husband. He is someone I don't even know anymore. So I left. Walked away.

I can't be with someone who doesn't protect or support me. Not now, not ever. It is his job as my husband. He promised me that.

Now here I sit, alone, with our child and no Dusk. Where do we go from here? Can it be salvaged? Can he be the vampire I need?

And if not can I really walk away from the only soul I've loved this deeply?

I don't know. All I know is unless he changes, I don't want to see him ever again. I will not survive another moment like that.

So wherever you are Draven Blood, I love you. Please come back to me.

Sunshine.

A Fairytale Wedding

The night began with a nervous bride sneaking out to hunt. After successfully calming my nerves by feeding on tourists, it was time to get dressed and beautiful. Thank Godric for Laurana and her talent at making me beautiful. Brandee, Jai, Elektra and Amber all managed to keep me calm and get me into that dress in time to go marry the vampire of my dreams.

Mom stopped into make me cry by saying how proud the 'rents are of me. I hope they know how much I love being in this family. Finally it was time for Daddy and Pere to walk me down the aisle. Mum of course sent love and pride. One by one I watched my bridesmaids walk down that aisle to stand by the beach and then it was my turn.

Taking Daddy's and Pere's arms, I rushed them to get to Dusk quicker. Seeing him standing there was the best damn thing I'd ever seen. He looked so handsome in his tux and Chase was right next to him. My family. The vampires I love most in this world. On the other side sitting with Mom and Daddy was Siena. The little girl who's already stolen the hearts of everyone in this family.

Pastor Wilkins did a beautiful job with the ceremony. Even though I'm sure quite a few in the crowd was picturing him as their midnight snack. His words were inspiring, and brought home just how special bonding and marriage are for vampires. It's not every day two souls find their way together the way Dusk and I have. Our blood was mixed and we drank, strengthening a bond that is unbreakable. Our wrists were bound to symbolize the joing of our bodies and souls. Then it came time for the vows.

As Dusk spoke, the tears came. His words were so touching and to hear him speak from his heart made me realize once more just how lucky I am. To be loved by this vampire, so completely is truly my greatest blessing in this undeath. He is always there, no matter the circumstance.

After I regained my composure enough to speak, I spoke from my heart to tell him how very much I love him. This love of ours is romantic and unending. We have loved one another through many lifetimes, each one more intense than the last. Our time has come where immortality is a constant for us both and the future seems long and happy.

To have shared this with our family and friends was the greatest thing we could've done. Now it's on to the Happily Ever After we've both dreamt of for a long time.

Sunshine.


For those that missed the ceremony below are the wedding vows Dusk and I exchanged.


Draven's vows: u know...we have lived many lives, you & I....so to some, this would seem old hat, yet it is never any less special to me than it was the very first time. You truly do complete me, in every way...when we are apart I am half of a larger whole. This ceremony simply lets the whole world know what we already do...that we are two halves of the same whole. You are my Sunshine.I am your Dusk. I love you to the depths of my soul and always shall. Be mine forever, once again.


Sun's vows: I've loved you from the moment I met you Dusk. Tonight I stand here with my best friend promising to love and respect you for eternity. I promise to never give up on us, to always stand beside you as your partner in good times and bad. I will be your shoulder to cry on, your hand to hold, your strength when you feel you have none and your reminder that are loved.I will fight beside you and always support you. My forever belongs to you. You are and always will be the vampire I love with all of me. Our bond remains unbroken and from this moment forward we are one soul. I love you Dusk.

Revelations

How much information can a vampire handle in one night. Especially the night before her wedding. Not that it was bad news. In fact it was great news. Just shocking.

Three years ago, I said goodbye to someone I loved so much it nearly killed me to do so. In that moment of pain and weakness I ventured out and met someone trying to dull the pain just a little. Little did I know that I'd come to think it was the best thing I'd ever done.

Tonight I learned that the man I slept with was none other than my Dusk. He'd done something so daring and loving to be with me. He'd had a witch cast a spell and turn him human. Little did he know that I wouldn't recognize him as human. So the night my Siena was conceived, was the night I spent with the human version of the only one I've loved so deeply I'd die for him.

Not only did he give me the gift of his child but in doing so he gave me the gift of my mother. I can't remember the last time I've spoken to her until tonight.

Draven has given me the greatest gifts he ever could. Tonight he learned he's a father. Tomorrow he meets his daughter for the first time.

Sometimes the biggest mistake of your life turns out to be the best thing you've ever done.

Sunshine.

SunnehBunneh, officially...

What a night! What an opportunity. Who knew that Magister thought I was even qualified for such a job.

I'm still in shock. Happy shock, but shock none the less. An Emissary. Me.

All of my dreams are coming true at the same time. To have Mom, Daddy, Mum and Pere there was so amazing. Seeing the pride in their eyes and feeling how happy they were for me made me want to work harder. This family truly loves me. I've never had that from anyone except Dusk and now I have this large group of individuals that love me just because I'm me. Yes, I am indeed truly blessed.

Speaking of Dusk, where would I be without him? Most likely dead. He gives me the strength and the support I need to reach for the stars. It is because he loves me that I felt I could even think about wanting to work for the Magister.

I am slowly seeing the vampire he sees. I take strength from him. The strength I'll need to face the next chapter.

Now onto the next chapter in my undeath. Things are falling into place. I've got the dream husband, the dream job, my Sonnyboy and my family and friends.

It's time to spread my wings and fly. Time to show the world exactly what Sunshine is made of.

Sunshine.

As It Should Be....

The night started out as any other, except we were on the island and just playing around. I love those moments with Dusk. The moments he's free and enjoys himself. That's the vampire I've loved forever.

We swam and walked the moonlit beach as we did so long ago. I could feel the stress of the wedding plans slipping away as he held me. His laughter filled my soul with peace, as it always does. It was when we were laying on the beach that the idea hit me. We should just run off and get married.

I brought it up, thinking he'd never go for it. I mean I'd been engrossed in wedding details since the moment he asked. But when he looked up at me and asked if it would make it all easier on me, I knew he wanted it as much as I did. So when he agreed I quickly took advantage of it before he changed his mind.

Before we knew it we were in Vegas and thinking we should take the night to make sure it was what we wanted to do. That was until he saw how sad I was. It was then that he showed me once more just how much he loves me.

The ceremony was short, sweet and to the point. With a Bubba look alike officiating no less. Chase, GissyBeth and Jai all found this hilarious. To be honest I thought it was a riot myself. But it was perfect for us.

He doesn't always come across as playful, but the moments alone that he shows that side of himself to me are special. Every time I feel as if I'm seeing straight into his soul. Draven is the sweetest, most caring soul I've ever known. He has never changed.

When he laughs, I find joy in life. When he smiles, I find happiness. When he holds me, I find peace. He is my best friend, my lover and now my husband. He has always been my forever.

Our forever is now. Every second of every night is a new beginning in our undeaths. It's been a long, strange journey to get here. A journey that no matter how far it took us apart always brought us back together. No matter what happens from this point on, we are one. As we have always been, as we always shall be. Our souls are joined by love. A love so deep that it has spanned countless lifetimes and countless endings.

Here we stand, Draven and Sun, as one. As it should be.

Sunshine.

Draven's

Oh. My. Godric. I am getting married.

So the night started out with Dusk showing up in town to defend me once again and I asked him to stay the night. Thankfully he agreed. We spent the night in bed, talking, laughing, doing naughty things (that was my favorite part) and just enjoying being together while we could.

As the night wore on, I began to dread him leaving. My heart was breaking all over again. I knew I couldn't bare to see him leave. So I clung to him and just tried to focus on enjoying him while he was here.

I felt the sadness creeping in as it got later and later. And before I knew what was happening he was on bended knee holding out the most beautiful ring I've ever seen and asking me to marry him.

I immediately said Yes. There was never any doubt. Looking at him there I just knew. I knew that this was right. That no matter how much I try to say I need time alone, I can't ever be happy without him.

Draven is my life. My entire world. He's the reason I smile every night. He's the reason I get out of bed. He's my joy, my happiness, the greatest love of my existence.

And now, he's my fiancee. He's the vampire I wish to spend eternity with. I am truly blessed that he loves me. And completely in love with him.

I am, as always, Draven's.

Sunshine

Finding my way

I've picked myself up off that floor. The first battle has been won. I am standing. I am strong. I can and will survive this.

Watching him walk out of that door was the hardest thing I've ever done. Everything in me wanted to run after him, beg him to not go. Yet I stood still, knowing that this is what is best for us both.

If I had stayed, I would have ended up hurting him worse. I need to spread my wings and fly. I need to find my moment in the spotlight. Alone.

I've relied on Draven for far too long. I've let him carry me and protect me. Because I love him and needed it at the time. Now, well now I need to know I am still that girl that survived all those years and found her way to her true being.

I am vampire now. My outer strength now matches my inner strength. I have always been a fighter. I have always found my way. I will do so again.

I need to allow myself to feel the pain, to cry, to hurt. Because I am hurting. But sometimes you have to hurt yourself to find what it is that will make you feel whole again.

I've never questioned his love for me or mine for him. This is not about our love. This is about finding Sun again. This is about letting someone go so I can find my way back to the vampire he deserves.

Going through the motions of undeath was smothering me. It just got too hard to get out of bed every night. He was the only reason I continued to do so. I need to find the reasons outside of him. I need to know there is more to my undeath than just being bonded.

So I set out on a path that is completely unknown to me. A path that will hopefully lead me to happiness. A path that just may lead me to myself.

Without knowing who I am or what I want I can never be who he loves. He sees something in me that I've never seen. He sees greatness and this is my way of proving to myself that he's right.

So welcome to my discovery. Perhaps we'll all learn a little about what Sunshine is truly made of. And if you happen to see him, tell him I'm fighting for both of us. If you happen to see me in tears, let them fall, but remind me that tears only last mere seconds in eternity. It is the laughter and the smiles that shall remain for a lifetime. Then help me find them.

Sunshine.

Broken by choice

How do you just let forever walk away? How do you get over a love that deep? How do you pick up the pieces of a heart so broken it's irrepairable?

Do you just one day wake up and not miss him anymore? Or do you spend forever regretting your mistake?

Even a shattered heart still feels love. Even a shattered soul still longs for him.

Empty arms, empty life, empty death.

Hollow.

Broken.

Lost.

Empty.

Alone.

My choice.

My stupidity. What happens when you wake up and realize that what's been missing is him? Do you spend forever trying to forget how much it hurts to not have him?

Does it get easier? Do you ever get up off the floor? Do you ever find the strength to get through the night?

When you walk away from love, do you close your heart off? Or is it better to feel the pain?

A pain so deep it nearly kills you. A pain so sharp it brings you to your knees.

Finding the strength to stand again will be the hardest battle I've ever faced. If I can make it through tonight, then I'll have just a tiny bit more strength to face tomorrow.

Determination is one thing I have in spades. I've never given up. I simply need to remember who I am. It is then that I find my path. I will be ok. I simply have no choice.

I can't let him down.

Sunshine.

Siena, Italy

While Rome was beautiful, I was quite anxious to get to Siena and show Dusk my very favorite place on Earth. I wanted him to see where I spent my childhood and just how beautiful Siena is.

We arrived at Villa luce de sole late and spent the day in bed. Which, quite frankly is one of the best places I love to spend time with him. Once the sun set, we headed out to the Duomo of Siena. My grandmother used to take us there every summer when I was a little girl. I've always loved being in that old cathedral. So much history and so much art. We wandered around hand in hand, just admiring the beauty of it.

I still can't believe in all these centuries he's never been there. I guess he never had the time. But it was really nice to show it to him for the first time. I think he enjoyed it.

After we left the Duomo we headed home where I'd planned a nice romantic evening. Candlelight and rose petals on the bed. Lingerie and the blood of, well me. It was the best damn night.

We spent the next few days just hanging out and relaxing. I love just being with him. Nothing planned, nothing to rush out and do. Just being us, everyday undeath. I know, who would've thought it? Sunshine just enjoying the everyday routine. But with Dusk, even the routine is exciting.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

Things took a strange turn last night when Natasha showed up unexpectedly. I was down by the lake and she caught me unaware. Next thing I know I'm in the lake and she's cutting me. We fought for quiet a while and she got the best of me. That bitch is strong. I ended up with broken ribs, a cut on my arm, face and leg. I managed to get away by cutting her with a piece of broken glass.

Luckily I had the strength to telepath Dusk and he came and found me. He of course gave me his blood to help heal and made the arrangements to head to Transylvania, which is where we are now.

He seems to think that we can end it all here. That we'll fight them and everything will be ok. But to be honest I'm worried.

For now, I just have to trust that Dusk can take care of this.

Sunshine

Rome

What can I say about Rome, except it was beautiful and romantic. Even though I'd been there as a child it was a whole new city seeing it through Dusk's eyes.

The night started with me shopping. Big surprise there, right? Far too many shoes and clothes were purchased, including one very stunning dress that we aren't discussing.

After that I met him at the Coliseum and he told me about the history of it. How they used to fight great beasts and how the crowds loved the bloodshed. I can't help but think he was there at some point and enjoyed himself quite a lot.

Somehow I convinced him to go with me to the Trevi fountain, where I tricked him into giving me three coins to toss in. Legend has it that if you throw three coins into the fountain you will ensure a marriage or a divorce. As I am not married currently, I was aiming for that marriage one. Because it is so much fun to watch him sweat so to speak. ;)

Then the freak pushed me in. I mean into the damn water. Overcome with laughter I reached up and yanked his fine ass in with me. We spent several seconds kissing in the water before he helped me up at which point we kissed more. The tourists seemed to think we'd lost our minds. Little did they know that Dusk and I were just being us.

It wasn't long before the kisses turned passionate. That tends to happen with us. A lot. I just can't keep my hands off the vampire. He can turn me on with just a smile. And I am so not complaining. Before I knew it he was whispering in my ear that it was time to head back to the hotel or else we'd be giving a free show. Not that I would've cared while it was happening, but the idea of others watching MY Dusk, well that isn't a good thing.

I don't even remember how we got back to that hotel. I do, however remember that elevator ride. And no I'm not telling you details. Once inside our room, things heated up quickly, as they tend to do with us. He never fails to make me feel beautiful and desired.

Several hours later, we both needed bloods and to rest. We spent the day sleeping in each other's arms. As it should be. In his arms is where I find peace. In his arms is where I am truly me. In his arms is where I wish to stay for eternity. And so I shall.


Sunshine

The best love.....

When I look into your eyes I see my forever. My undeath has been so much happier since you've been in it. In your arms is where I belong.

Your smile brings joy to my world and brightens even the darkest of nights. I have never felt so loved as I do now. You give me the strength to face anything.

With you by my side there isn't anything I can't do. I trust in you completely and love you without restraint Dusk.

I fall more in love with you every night. You show me things I never thought possible about myself. I will forever be grateful that you have such faith in me.

Without you my undeath would be dark and lonely. You've brought happiness and peace to this troubled soul once more. You are my everything Draven. I have never experienced a love such as what I have for you now.

I will love you until the end of time.

Sunshine.

Athens, Greece

Greece is so beautiful. I can't believe I waited so long to come here. But then it probably wouldn't be the same without Dusk.

Oh, yeah and I learned that I am a goddess/queen reincarnated. Is that insane or what. I mean we all knew I was a goddess. ;p But according to Dusk I'm someone named Persephone. I guess I need to really look into who she was. Or I guess who I was. All I know right now is that I was the goddess of spring and innocence who became the Queen of the underworld.

Knowing that we've figured out that that is perhaps the reason why I am immune to demons, since I'm essentially their queen. Which if you think about it, really would've been nice to know when I was into demons. Always too late with the information for it to do me any damn good.

I found that the hunters tracking Dusk traced him to NOLA and he decided to run. Thank Godric he decided to take me along this time. I just don't think I can handle the thought of spending even a single night without him.

It hasn't all been so educational though. We've enjoyed just spending time alone. Long lazy evening spent in bed, midnight swim in the pool, star gazing in his arms. And we all know that in his arms is my all time favorite place to be.

I fell in love with him all over again here in Greece. Watching him as he showed me a city he obviously loves made me appreciate it even more. I want to know every single thing that matters to him and if we start with cities in foreign countries then by golly that's where I'll start.

I worry about these hunters and what will happen, but I have to try and just focus on the now. Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us and I don't want to miss a single second I have with Draven.

Sunshine.

Camping...

I was scared to go camping that Mother had to command me to do so. I went home in tears and Dusk tried his best to calm my fears. Hell he even let me buy new shoes. He does spoil me so.

The night started out horribly. I had no cellphone service, there was mud everywhere and we were by a lake. Then Dusk did the best thing he ever could've done. He pissed me off.

From that second on I had fun. I got muddy, jumped in the damn water and caught a fish, hunted and learned about abilities I didn't even know I had.

We killed a wolf and fed from it's heart. Then we hunted deer and I could sense the humans nearby after having their blood. After that we climbed a tree. Can you imagine, me climbing a tree in 6 inch Ferragamo stiletto boots? Well I did. Thanks to Dusk. Once up in that tree Dusk caught a hawk and I got to kill it and feed from it. Afterwards I could see for miles. It was mindblowing.

Then it got kinda scary. We went to this cave and Dusk sent me in to use my senses and I found a mama bear and a cub, but when I attacked the mama bear, she threw me and I ended up breaking my arm. Dusk was right there within seconds. He's always there when I need him. He carried me back to camp, cleaned me up and we sat by the fire for a bit.

When it started to rain he led us to a clearing and we sat and looked at the stars. He pointed out all of the ones I'd never known existed or even that they had names. Then he did the most romantic thing. He pulled me to my feet and we danced in the rain.

We spent the night in each other's arms, like we're meant to.

What started out as a trip I was dreading, became one of my best memories. Thanks to the vampire who loves me enough to push me to my limits because he knows that I'm stronger than I think.

Sunshine.

Lost

Tonight I met this really nice vampire. Well I didn't know that vampires really existed but he says I'm one too. And I even have fangs. Which is so cool. I mean I can kill people if I want to. Maybe I should. There's this girl in biology that hates me cause I sat in her seat one day. I could kill her.

Oh wait, he says I'm not 15. He says I'm much older. I wonder if I'm really old, like 21 or something. But then I can drink beer.

He says I live in this big house with him and that he loves me. I wonder if we have sex. :) :) :) :)

He's really cute. I mean really cute. And so tall. I'm like a midget compared to him.
Oh wait, can you say midget?

Oh and my maker is a queen. She lives in a giant house too. And she's pretty. But I still don't know what a maker is. But she says I'm a good vampire. I don't remember being a vampire. I wonder how many people I've killed.

I wonder if I sleep in the same bed as him. He said I just moved in, but why? How long have we been dating? He acts like he's known me forever.

Oh and I found a picture of him on a dresser. He looks so handsome. I think I remember loving him. I hope he's not mad at me. Cuz I don't remember him.
I wanna remember. Everyone says I love him and he loves me back. I hope so. I like him. He makes me feel safe. I wonder how many times I've needed him. He seems good at saving me.

I hope I remember him when I wake up. I hope that he doesn't stop loving me because I can't remember loving him.

I just need to sleep on it and maybe when I wake up I'll remember everything.

Sunshine.

Moving In

It's offical, Sunshine has moved in with Dusk.

I wonder if he really knew what he was getting himself into. I come with a lot of baggage and shoes.

So what does this all mean? It means that we're happy. It does NOT mean we're engaged. Nor does it mean we will be anytime soon. It means that we love one another and wish to spend our undeaths together.

We don't need a piece of paper or a ring to prove our love. He knows that I love him and I know that he loves me. We're not rushing this.

We're taking the time to learn about one another again and just enjoying being together.

Its just nicer to do it in the same house. Besides this was supposed to be our house anyway. And my shoes look good in that closet.

I've been asked countless times in the last few days if I'd marry Dusk. The answer to that is....

Yes.

IF he were to ever wish to have me as his wife I would be quite happy to do so. Do I need to be married to him? No.

I trust him completely. He loves me. I have no doubt about that.

And I love him. I always have. Its just how it's always been with us.

So, we'll close that subject now. Unless you see him get down on one knee and pull out a ring, you can assume that we're NOT getting married. Discussion closed.

That said, I'll close with one simple thought.

Dusk and I are not together because of a piece of paper, we're together because we love each other enough to work hard to make this relationship work.

And that's whats important here.

Love.

Sunshine

Life, Love and Happiness

I've been thinking a lot these days about life, love and happiness. So I thought I'd touch on each of them briefly.

Life.

Well life is good these days. But I've learned that it always has been, even in the darkest of times. I've come to realize that even when I felt lost and alone, I never really was. My family was always there to support me. They didn't wait around for me to ask them for help, they just did it quietly and let me learn my way.

And that seems to be the best way. My mistakes are what help lead me in the right direction. It sometimes takes me awhile to see clearly, but I always do. And they let me. For that I am grateful.

Love.

Love is something I think I was searching too hard for. And it scared the hell out of me. My heart has always known where it belonged, it was the rest of me that lost sight of it. Even as I pushed him away I knew it wasn't right for me. And yet I listened to everything but my heart.

Infatuation and lust disguise themselves as love at times and I let myself believe in them when in reality the one who truly loved me was the one who continued to do so even though it broke his heart.

I've found my way back to him, though in reality I never really left, just took a little detour. My heart always remained with him.

Happiness.

Happiness had always escaped me, or so I thought. Looking back I now see that I was happier than I thought. Perhaps that was the problem. Thinking.

I refused to let myself be truly happy because I was scared of losing it. When in fact, it was I who was making myself so miserable. I stood in my own way, but not anymore. From the moment he kissed me, I found the strength to just be myself, for better or worse.

I've found happiness in his embrace but I've also learned that I have to be happy with myself to truly be happy with him. I love who I am. I love who I am with him. But most importantly I still love who I am when he's not around.

That is true happiness.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Moving Forward

As amazing as last night was, this afternoon was even better. Why? Because I woke up in his arms again. And it wasn't just a dream. He was really here.

Sometimes reality is so much better than those dreams.

I've dreamed of him often. Practically every single night of my life and nothing came close to last night. The way he looked at me made me feel so beautiful. The way he touched me made me feel alive again.

So, where do we go from here?

Forward. We just take it one day at a time. We learn about each other again and just enjoy the time we have together. Our past will always be there, but so will our future.

Who we were brought us to this point and who we are will take us forward. We're at the beginning of something brand new. This is Sun, all grown up, loving Draven. Not the vampire that saved that scared little girl, but the Draven that supports me and lets me make mistakes and helps me fix them.

I don't need him to save me anymore, we save each other now. He's all that matters at the end of the day. When I walk in the door, I can leave it all behind and just be the vampire he loves.

Sometimes you have to just risk it all to realize that you already had everything you ever wanted. And sometimes it takes something totally unexpected to open your eyes to what your heart already knew.

Love and kisses,
Sunshine

Meant To Be

Being back in his arms is better than I ever imagined it could be. Its so different. I don't just see him as that vampire that he was all those years ago. I see him for who he is now, in this undead life.

That's the man I want to know completely. The man I want to fall in love with over and over again. I want to make new memories with him. Ones that aren't tainted by pain.

I want to know what makes him smile and why. And I want to be one of those things. No, I want to be the main reason he smiles every night.

I want to go to bed knowing he'll be there when I open my eyes again. I want to be there when he's happy and when he's sad. I want to be there when needs to be loved and when he just needs to be alone.

I want him to always know that he can count me, that I won't let him down. I want him to trust that I'll always be here for him.

He gives me everything I never knew I wanted. And I want to do the same for him. I don't want to be the reason he gets up every night. I just want to be what he wants to get up for.

I want him to feel how much I love him every second of every day. Because it's what matters most.

He is my forever. And I am his.

And that is exactly how it's supposed to be.

Sunshine.

An Open Letter to @draven_blood

My Dearest Dusk,

Wow, so where to start. Ok, at the beginning. I love you. Yes, I know I've said it a million times, but this time is different.

Something happened that just woke me up and made me realize how much my life would suck without you. And how much I just need to be with you to know that I'm alive or undead or whatever the fuck I am.

The other night was amazing. Too amazing. I can't seem to forget how it felt to have your hands on me, your lips on mine. I'd forgotten how good it felt when you wanted me.

But it's not just about that. It's about so much more Dusk. It's about how no matter how hurt you are, you still want me to be happy. How no matter how miserable I am, knowing you're in the world, gives me a reason to smile every single day.

When I heard that you wanted to meet the sun, I just couldn't face the thought of an undeath without you. I wanted to meet final death myself. It was as though I was losing you all over again.

And I know I have to regain your trust. I know that you may never trust me again. But Dusk, I promise that I'm going to do my absolute best to do so. I love you and I respect you.

I think I just got scared. It was easier to go to him and use him as an excuse to push you away so I didn't lose you again. I just kept picturing waking up to find you gone again and I just couldn't face that again.

I won't see him again, even as a friend if that's what you wish. I should never have seen him before.

I was so lost and confused and scared. I just didn't know what I was doing anymore. The night I told you that I chose you was so perfect. Too perfect.

You know how I get. How I start thinking and how I just let it all get so confusing. Well that's what I did. I started thinking about you leaving me back then and how hard it was to let you go and I was so scared you'd leave again.

But I see now that it's a chance I'll have to take. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I've learned that I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I can do that for myself. But I've also learned that I want to share this undeath with someone who brings me joy and comfort when I need it.

You're my very best friend. You're the one I turn to when everything is insane and I just need to hear that I'm doing ok. I want to be that for you. I want to be the person you can count on to always be there. The vampire you can trust to never let you down.

I want to be the vampire you love. The one you just can't get enough of. I want to be that girl you run off on crazy adventures with again. And I want you to be the vampire I spend eternity with.

It's always been you, Dusk. Even when I walked away, I never stopped loving you. I don't think I can. I was so stupid for telling you goodbye. Being in love with you is as natural to me as needing blood to survive. It is who I am. It's who I've always been.

I was trying to spend an eternity searching for something that was right here beside me all along. Love, friendship, and happiness.

You're all I've ever needed in life and undeath. You've never failed to love me, even when I didn't deserve it. You left because you loved me enough to protect me.I see that now. Thank you for never giving up on me, even when we were apart. You are truly one of a kind Dusk.

I don't know how else to tell you how I feel. I simply and completely love you.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday. And perhaps we could find a way to make this relationship work for us. It's the only thing I can hope for.

I just need you to give me the chance Dusk. Just give me the chance to prove to you that I can be the vampire you need. Please don't push me away.

Always and Forever Yours,

Sunshine

A forever kind of love?

Who wouldn't want a man that loves them with such passion and such depth? And that's what he does. He loves me.

He's only ever loved me. It was his love that brought my soul to life. It was his love that opened my eyes to goodness in the world.

How do I keep forgetting that? Why do I keep letting myself lose sight of how deeply he loves me?

And most importantly, why do I keep hurting him?

He deserves so much better than me.

Why can't he see that? I am nothing. Just the girl who breaks his heart.

And I hate myself more and more every second for doing it.

How did I lose my focus? How did I forget that love that was so all consuming for my entire life? Am I so different now that I can't let myself love him the way he deserves?

Or am I just so scared of losing him again that I push him away? Either way I'm torn to pieces over the pain I've caused. I've settled for a life with less meaning.

He brought me joy and peace once upon a time. He gave me more than I could have ever imagined or ever wanted.

His kiss ignites a fire that burns so hot it consumes us both. He pushes me away and I just walk right back in the door.

Is it possible to find my way back now? Or am I too lost? And if I did, have I pushed him too far away? Could he ever trust me again?

I have myself to blame for all of this. I had him. He loved me. And I turned my back on that for what? A chance at happiness?

Well, I'm not happy. I'm so damn miserable that most days I just wish for final death. It would be easier than seeing the pain in his eyes, feeling his hurt through a bond so strong that it knocks me off my feet every single day.

How do I forget him? Is it possible? And can I ever really let go of him? Or will the thought of him drive me to insanity with needing him so desperately.

He's the best part of my heart. His smile brings me the closest to Heaven that I'll ever get.

So....

How do I live without him? Is it possible? Do I even want to try? With one touch he has me feeling like that girl that loved him with all of her being. Is that what real love is? Is it knowing that someone only wants the best for you, even if it means they are in pain? Is it when he looks at you and you see forever in his eyes? Or is when he lets you go, so that you may find your way in the world but continues to guide you and protect you?

Is he my forever?

Sunshine.

The Ramblings of a Tortured Soul

How do you just walk away from a love like this? And how do you continue to hurt yourself over and over because you love someone?

I've tried to walk away, more than once. Hell I HAVE walked away, only to go right back within a matter of days. I've begged and pleaded and cried and yelled and yet here I go again.

Do you ever get over a love like this? I mean ever? Even if you find the strength to walk away do you always compare everyone to that person? I thought I knew once upon a time. Now I'm realizing that it's going to be a long long way to happy for me.

I just keep going back for more. WHY?

Hell we all know why. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love another soul.

And I just keep on loving him, even when I know it hurts me. I can't just turn it off. I'm left in pieces after every single encounter. I've stopped picking up the pieces now. Why bother?

But damn if I can walk away. I just can't give him up. It's like an addiction. And I know it's silly and vampires don't breathe, but I can actually breathe when he's around.

It's like I can just be me and it's ok. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He knows I have bad days and he lets me. He knows I cry and he lets me. Hell he holds me and tells me that eventually it will all be ok. And he offers advice but always says that I'll figure it out and that he'll be there if I need him.

We're good together. He makes me laugh and smile. I see the world differently when he's around. It's like it's all brand new again and so much fun to be in.

Why would I want to walk away from that?

Because it's killing me slowly and surely. And I keep letting it. Simply because I love him.

Everyone says it's time to walk away. And I probably should. But I don't want to. I've tried. I've tried so hard to just quit him.

And I always end up on the floor, sobbing and lost. Everything turns gray when he's gone.

He claims to not know love and maybe he doesn't. But I do.

I hate what this love has done to me. I hate feeling like I'm broken. Like I can't function.

Yet, I find myself right back there, standing in front of him, wanting him. And he wants me. I feel it every time he touches me. Every time he looks at me.

But all it is is temporary happiness that I enjoy in the moment. By morning I'm a broken mess once more. So I guess what I need to know is....

Is he my greatest love or the greatest disappointment in my life???

Sunshine

Humanity be damned!

How does one hang onto a humanity that has tortured their very soul?

One does not. One lets go and gives into the nature of the beast.

The nature that comes with being a killer, cold blooded, cold hearted and evil.

That is what I am. I am VAMPIRE, NOT HUMAN.

I can no longer allow the feelings to control my actions. It is time.

From this moment forward I shall begin to let go of humanity. It is my destiny. Too many years left in this hell to let emotions ruin the fun.

Will this decision sit well with many? Probably not. Do I give a fuck? NO!

I can not continue to let my life be ruled by emotion. I can not, nor will I continue to be hurt. So I am taking control and letting go of what made me human.

Deep inside there is a ruthless killer lurking. She has come out before and was quite interesting.

Humanity is for humans. I am NOT human.

Sunshine.

New Beginnings

A fresh start. Sounds good. Maybe this time I'll get it right. No man involved. Just a cute little furball. Yep a puppy. Sunshine's heart got stolen by a puppy.

Well at least he won't break it, right? Well I hope not anyway.

So, I'm starting over fresh. This time, no rushing anything. I'm just going to date and have fun. No expectations, no SEX! That's right, Sunshine is swearing off sex for a bit. It just complicates things. And I'd like to just see if they like me for me and not my body.

With that said, let's see how long any of them stick around. Experience tells me it won't be long. *sighs* But I've come to realize that I truly am worth waiting for. And worth risking it all for.

And if no one is willing to do either, then I have Slash and he loves me. Well as long as I keep the Kibble coming he will.

So, I'm asking you all to help me out here. I'm going to need friends that love and support me while I try to figure this all out. We all know I'm my own worst enemy. So I'm counting on you all to remind me that I am worth waiting for.

Sunshine.

Self Destruction

It's what I do best.

I have to stop this or I'm going to ruin it all. But how does one stop torturing herself?

Hell if I know. I just have to find a way to stop this. I walked away from everything for a chance at happiness. And I'm more miserable now than before I met either of them.

One can't make up his mind if I'm who he wants and the other, well the other just tells me the truth, no matter how bad I want him to lie.

And here I am, self destructing. Its what I know. And I've known it for far too long now. Time to stop.

So today, it ends.

I have to find a way to be happy without either of them. That's when I'll truly start to live.

Any ideas on how to do that? Because, I'm lost as hell here.

No, I'm not giving up on him. And no I'm not having second thoughts about my choices. I'm just trying to find a way to make myself happy on my own. I'm sick of being miserable because some guy can't fucking decide if I'm worth being with.

I am damnit. I'm worth risking it all for.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Yep, ending it there, because there's nothing left to say. I AM WORTH IT!

Mother....married???

My mommy got married. To my former pet. What the hell were we thinking going to Vegas high? Is it even legal? Is Chase really my daddy? Aww hell, fae blood is dangerous shit. They should outlaw it.

I'm just glad I passed out, or I might be married to him right now. Picture that. Me married to a human. Hell, me married at all. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the divorce.

It will take a hell of a special man to get me to marry again. One giant mistake like that is enough for one eternity.

Wonder how Mother will feel when she rises tomorrow evening. And how the hell am I going to get her out of this marriage with her dignity and her estate?

Chase isn't that bright but it may take some serious negotiation on my part. Could I just glamor him again? Or is that wrong?

Who the hell am I kidding here? We all know that I'll do whatever is necessary to get her out of this mess. And I'll try to keep Chase alive as well.

Hopefully not too many people know. We were all pretty messed up, so we couldn't have told that many people. It's not like we were home or anything.

She's gonna kill one of us for this.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Sunshine

What a rush. Fighting is just so damn much fun. And I got to just let loose and not worry about some man stepping in and trying to 'protect' me. Gods it was great.

For once I just got to be Sunshine. The Sunshine that stays hidden. The Sunshine most people never see.

I've missed her so much. Haven't you? *laughs*

Rolling around in the woods with Logan, growling, fighting and getting dirty was the most fun I've had in forever. Even the pain of his dagger cutting my arm was amazing.

I think I held my own against him. He underestimated me. I may look tiny and frail, but I am vampire and quite powerful.

And now I owe the fairy, stupid bitch blew up my car. Now I plan to make him beg for death. And I'm going to tease him relentlessly with it.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Regrets?????

I get asked this alot lately. Do I have any regrets about walking away from Draven and a life I'd dreamt of for so long. And I can honestly say No, I don't.

The reason? Because I needed to be happy. Not that Draven couldn't make me happy. He damn sure tried. And I'll always care for him. He was my first love. He will always hold a spot in my heart.

That said, I came to the realization that when I started going to Severus in private almost immdediately, that maybe I wasn't with who I truly loved.

And Severus, being the rational one, tried to help me see that I could very well end up regretting coming to him. Did I?

NO!

I tried to stay away. I really, really did. I just couldn't. So I stole moments of time with him. Moments where I was at peace and happy. The touch of his hand, the way he smiled at me, it all was so right.

And every time I walked away from him, I left another piece of my soul behind. And then the night came, where I didn't walk away. And I don't regret it.

I continued to live a lie publicly and live a love privately. And it finally became too much. I went to my maker and asked for advice. And once again, being the wise queen that she is, she told me to find what made me the happiest and go get it.

So, I thought and thought, and baked cookies. Yes, I baked cookies. Lots and lots of fucking cookies. And I kept coming back to the thought of never seeing Severus again.

And I felt such an emptiness inside. And I thought about how he makes me laugh, and how I want to wake up next to him every night and go to sleep with him every dawn.

How I want to know his dreams and help make them come true. And how his happiness matters more than my own.

So, I took myself to Draven and told him everything I was feeling. And I admitted what I'd done. And I stood there and I listened to him and his feelings. I owed him that.

The next step was the hardest of all. I needed to talk to Severus, not knowing if he'd even listen to what I had to say. It's very different saying it publicly, with no ties to bind you to anyone, than it is saying it in the heat of the moment, when you're breaking all the rules.

He made me the happiest vampire undead when he said I had a chance. But I won't lie, I want more than just a chance. I want HIM. I want him to choose me.

Yet, I know there is a possibility he won't. I hurt him. I walked away. And maybe I don't deserve the chance to be with him. But I plan to fight for him. Because he's worth it.

And if he chooses to walk away, then I'll respect that and let him go. Not because I want to, but because I love him enough to want him to be happy. Even if I end up with a broken heart.

I'd rather have had these few nights with him again, than a lifetime of knowing I didn't even try. Fate has a way of stepping in and working it all out the way it's meant to be.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy every single second I have with him. And do my best to prove to him that I am not going anywhere again. My heart belongs to him. It has since that first night he smiled me.

The future is uncertain, but my heart is true.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Undead and Loving It

So, I've completely turned my undeath upside down. Why? Because it needed it. Its time for me to be ME again. As much as I love and care for Draven, I am not the girl he left behind. I am different.

I hated hurting him, but I had to be honest with not only him, but with myself. And so I was. Maybe I didn't do it the right way, but it's done now. There is no turning back. My decision is made.

I choose ME.

Now, for that smokin hot demon. Yes, he is what I want, but I have no expectations of him. I knew who he was before this came to pass and I remember who he is now. I just know that I couldn't go another second without telling him that I love him. I want a life with him, but I am fully prepared to let him go if he asks. I want him to be happy and if that means he's happy with someone else then I'm prepared to deal with that.

My undeath has to be about me. Not a man, vampire or demon. I am the one that has to live it. The only one. So from now on I am going to live it on MY TERMS.

Last night was one of the best of this undeath. To be back in his arms was amazing. To feel his warmth, the touch of his lips, how he makes my body feel so damn good.

But today is just as good. Knowing that I am responsible for my own happiness is liberating.

And I plan to ensure that I remain happy.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine

Choices

My undeath. My terms. It's time.

I need to be true to myself. To do so I must make changes. Changes are not easy for someone like me. I crave routine. It's how I survive. Not anymore. It's time to shake things up.

I've been safe for far too long. I've loved something longer than I should have. Not a person, but an idea of something that I built up so high it could never live up to the expectations.

Reality check. It's time to give up the fantasy and start actually living my undeath. It is the one thing that truly is mine.

I chose to be vampire because it's ingrained in my soul. It's who I am. I'm not that little girl that let herself be hurt. I am a strong woman standing on her own two feet. And it's high time I remember that.

So, sit back, buckle up, and prepare yourself for the new dawning of SUN. It's going to be a hell of a ride.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Confusion

Confusion.

Big word, big problem. And I am stuck squarely in the middle of it. How'd I get here? Easy. I ran. I was afraid to feel something I needed to just feel. Now I'm questioning my whole undead life.

Things are not always what they seem. You can want something so much for so long that when you finally get it you don't actually realize it's not what you thought it would be.

People change, life goes on, even if you aren't actively participating in it. Funny how that works isn't it?

How do I figure this out? Feel. I have to feel it. Then I'll know exactly what I need to do.

I just hope my sanity holds out until then.

The one thing I know for certain.....

I'd rather have him rip my heart out than never have the chance to tell him I love him.

Sunshine.

Saying Goodbye

~Summer after Draven left~

Dusk,

I know you'll never get this letter, but I had to tell you how I feel. My therapist thinks it will help me finally let you go. Like that will ever happen. So here goes.

You're leaving nearly killed me. It still hurts. But what hurts more is that I still feel you. I still feel the love you have for me. Does this fucking bond ever fade? Or am I stuck feeling this for life? Not really sure I can handle feeling you all the time.

Dad says you're never coming back. He says you never loved me, that I was just a stupid little whore to you. But I know he's wrong. Like I said I can feel your love.

Are you coming back? Ever? And why? Why did you just up and leave? Did I do something wrong? I know you loved me. I know it like I know the sun will come up everyday.

Everyone tells me to just take the ring off, put it away and move on. Not so easily done. Its been four months since you left. Four agonizing months of missing you. I spent the first two in the hospital. The last two I've spent lying on the beach remembering all the nights we spent together.

This boy from school asked me out, but he only wanted sex. So I said NO. I don't want to date. I just want you.

I know you aren't coming back. I know it with my entire soul. It just hurts, you know? I don't want to live without you. I don't want to feel. I just want to be with you.

But that's not possible. You're gone. And I somehow have to find a way to let you go. I have no clue how to do that. I wish you were here so you could tell me.

I miss talking to you all night. I miss being able to tell you everything I'm feeling and how you never laugh at it. I miss feeling safe. Yep, that's what I miss most. Feeling SAFE.

I don't know if I ever will again.

So I guess this letter is my goodbye to you. The one I never got to say. The one you never said to me.

Only problem is, I can't say goodbye to you Dusk. I can't. Not now, not ever.

So, until we meet again my darling Dusk. I will love you until my death.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine

Dusk

Tonight I wish to focus on the present not just a memory. Tonight I wish to tell you why I love Draven to the depths that I do. And in hopes that you will learn to see the vampire that I see.

As you know I met Dusk when I was a mere child. Fifteen years old to be exact. He saved my life and loved me when I thought I was unlovable. And he still does.

I fell in love with his laugh, his smile, the way he lived his undeath to the fullest. His kindness knows no bounds. And yet, he can kill in seconds if he needs to. I fell in love with his generosity, his creativity, his way of just knowing the right thing to say at the right time.

I continue to love him because of how he treats me as an equal, even when I was human, he never made me feel less than equal to him. He doesn't see me as a child, he never has. He looks into my heart and my soul and shows me the strength I have. He allows me to make mistakes and helps me to see the lessons from them. He has not once given up on me.

I love Draven not because he saved my life, but because he gave me a reason to live. He helped me find the courage to fight. He helped me see that there was so much more to life than what I had at home.

The moment I opened my eyes to him, I saw the world differently. It was no longer black and white. It was full of color and laughter. He brought such joy to my life. In so many ways.

And even after he left my love for him remained. I could feel him, knew he loved me, knew he missed me as much as I missed him. That's why it was so hard to say goodbye to him. And yes I know I should've sensed he was back, but I'd shut myself off from him for so long at that point I just wasn't looking for the signs.

But when I opened that door, I was overpowered by the feelings rushing back. It was as if time had stood still. We were the same two beings we'd always been, well, I was vampire now, but we still belonged to one another.

I love Draven more than any words can express. I love him to the very depths of my soul. I would rather meet final death than see pain in his eyes.

And someday I'll be able to fully express to him that love. Until then, I can simply say....

Dusk,

I love you.

Sunshine