Ramblings of a heartbroken vampire

How do I go on without you? Where do I find the strength? You are my entire world Dusk. My heart, my soul, everything that makes me ME.

You promised me forever. You promised me you'd never leave again. But you did. This emptiness is too painful to bear. I can't face the night not knowing you're in this world.

Killian tells me that I need to calm my emotions and move on. He doesn't understand. None of them understand. How can they? They weren't loved by you the way I was. They don't feel this gaping hole in their soul like I do.

I miss you so much already Dusk. I love you more than anything. I can't do this. We don't work as a family without you. How could you just leave us? How could you?

How do I find my way in this journey alone? It doesn't matter how many others are around me Dusk, without you, I am alone.

*sighs and leans back against the wall of your closet, holding your picture to my cold, unbeating heart.*

It was supposed to be you and me, for eternity. I love you. I have loved you. I will always love you. That never ends Dusk. WE NEVER END. Not Sunshine and Dusk. We're meant to be.

You're Always My Dusk, I'm Forever Your Sunshine. *whispers* I love you Always. Forever.

Meeting my maker.

One minute I was standing on a ladder and the next I was in his arms and kissing him. How did that happen? I've been asking myself that same question since it happened. Before I knew it I was in my office and we were naked. Not that I minded or anything. I mean, seriously, have you seen Killian?

But, even that doesn't make it okay for me to be having sex with him when my husband is missing. What I didn't know at the time was that I couldn't have resisted him even if I'd wanted to. Scary thing is, I wanted to be with him. Thinking back, I've wanted to be with him since he first appeared in town. I never acted on it of course. I love Draven. I always have.

Then, one night I woke to find my hubbypire missing. Yes, missing. It got complicated after that. I started spending more and more time with Killian. He made me happy. He still makes me happy. I find comfort in his arms and he smells just like Dusk. Yes, I know I sound crazy now, but remember Vampires have a good sense of smell.

Then, it got even more intense. Chase hated Killian. Mom wasn't his biggest fan. I was the only one who seemed to like him. Or I did until I woke screaming in pain and knew it was Draven. I could feel his pain, hear his growl. Killian held me and offered comfort. Until I decided to go search for Draven myself.

That started World War 3 in the Blood household. Killian argued that it was too dangerous. I argued that Draven was my husband and I was going no matter what. We were still arguing and I'd almost given in when Chase and Mom arrived. I was distracted and not really paying attention, so I didn't notice that they both looked sad and more than a little nervous. I wasn't listening to Chase or Mom as they spoke and it wasn't until Mom handed me that fucking box that I knew what they were trying to say.

I didn't believe them. My Dusk is not gone. I'd know it if he were. Killian would know it. So when I saw his ring and those ashes, I knew it was a warning. He is not final dead. I'll never believe it. I became more determined than ever to go find him. I grabbed Chase and was on my way out the door when IT happened.

Killian spoke. No, Killian commanded me to stop. AND I FROZE. I mean, literally froze where I was standing. It felt as though someone had climbed on my chest and was holding me in place. My body would not move.

I became frantic. I had no fucking clue what was happening to me. I looked from Killian to Mom and back again over and over. I was pleading with Mom to tell me what was happening. I'd never felt this before. I was terrified for the first time since I was turned.

Six words cleared it all up. Six words I never would've expected to come out of Killian's mouth directed at ME. Those words will haunt me til the day I meet final death.

"As your maker I command you...."

It didn't matter what came after them. It all clicked. The call of my maker was too strong to deny. As it dawned on me, my body was moving to his side. And at his side I would remain as I was commanded to do. I stared at him in disbelief and shock.

Killian is my maker.

There was no denying it. I am the Child of my bonded's Child.

When I figure out how and why, you'll be the first to know. Until then, well, I'll just be Sun, Child of Killian.

Being Sunshine

As I embark upon this undeath within the role of creator/admin of Blood Play I felt it time to take a moment and give some insight into Sunshine Marie Spencer dé Morte - di Castello - dé Lioncourt - May - Blood.

Say that ten times fast.

I am vampire.

What else do you need to know?

Oh yes, you wish to know about being Sunshine. Well, being Sunshine is the most fun I've ever had. It's also the most trying. I struggle nightly to remain true to a character that I created.

You see, Sunshine is not just vampire. She is so much more. She is bits and pieces of the human who animates her thrown in with the fictional character. She gets her attitude from that human. But she also gets her heart from her too.

Sun is a vampire that fights hard to maintain her humanity. Even when faced with tragedy and heartbreak, she's clear that she'd rather feel the emotions than face an eternity with none.

Unlike the human behind the character, Sun is happily married and very much in love with her Dusk. Their love story is one that touches my soul every single night on Twitter. Sun and Draven have found something rare and real. They work hard to keep it on track now that they've finally found their way to eternity together.

They've created a family together that consists of human teacups and vampire creations. Sunshine is much like that human behind her in that she'd protect her children to all extremes. Including laying her own un-life down for them. Any of them.

Sunshine is happy in her personal life and more than happy in her professional life. She's worked hard to get where she is and she's earned her respect. Sunshine is loyal if nothing else. Business always comes first. Sun does not break the laws of her kind. And she does NOT like being put in a position where she may be forced to. The human behind Sun hates for people to spring things on her in RP. Sometimes it's ok but if it puts Sun in a position where it is OUT OF CHARACTER the huamn becomes a bitch.

Also unlike the human, Sunshine has a large family. She's been adopted by three vampires and a demon. Her family is her life line so to speak. They protect her and love her without conditions. Sunshine would do anything for those she loves and her family, she loves.

Much like the human, Sunshine loves shoes. Unlike the human, Sun is never seen without her stilettos. She is designer all the way. She does not wear pants often and when you see her in jeans or flats, worry.

So there you have it..what it's like being Sunshine. Thank you for following and letting me live out her undeath nightly.

SUN

Undeath, as usual.....

Going to ground has always been the one thing that soothes my tortured soul. So when I went to ground Wednesday night I thought I'd wake to feeling rejuvenated and relaxed. I'd hoped to rise with a better understanding of why things had happened the way they did.

Instead I woke startled in the middle of the day. My soul and heart felt empty. An emptiness I hadn't felt since Dusk had returned and pulled me into his embrace earlier this year. I couldn't put my finger on it. Something just wasn't right.

I called to him repeatedly through the bond of our blood to no avail. He just wasn't there. I couldn't feel him. Panic set in and I began to claw my way out of the grave I'd placed myself in.

Chase stopped it with the promise of finding him. That child of mine is very in tune with my feelings. With his promise I calmed some, but continued to try calling to Dusk.

It wasn't long before self-doubt crept in. The memories flooded me of that night I found his nest empty. Of the night my world dropped out from under my feet and my entire life changed. I tried hard to tell myself that this was not the same. We are not the same. Dusk would not just leave his family.

Not my Dusk. Not now. When the sun finally set I frantically clawed my way out and sped into our home to look for him. He wasn't there. I felt the world spin, this was bad. He had simply vanished. Just like before. Once again the doubts crept in.

Had he just left? What did this mean for our family? How do I explain his absence? Especially now.

You see, now is the worse time possible for one of us to just be gone. We've taken in a teacup, his child has returned, my professional life is busier than ever and we've only been married a little over a month. How could this have happened? And how do I fix it?

How does one go about finding someone who has simply ceased to be? Because in essence that's what's happened. My Dusk is gone. I can't feel him. I can't find him. I can't communicate with him.

How do I hide my fears and pain from my children? Especially my vampire ones? They can feel it all, they know what I feel, they know how scared I really am. But, I can't face them. I can't face him being gone.

To face it means it's real. And if it's real it means he's truly gone. And I could never face that. I'd rather have met final death than to ever lose him again. So, what do I do?

I guess I go about undeath as usual. Explain away his absence and secretly search for him. And in the meantime I simply try to not fall apart. No one can know that he's gone. Not a single soul. They have to believe he's away on business.

Why?

Because his absence opens up too many unknowns and I don't have the strength to deal with those and losing him. I just can't.

~Sun~