Undeath, as usual.....

Going to ground has always been the one thing that soothes my tortured soul. So when I went to ground Wednesday night I thought I'd wake to feeling rejuvenated and relaxed. I'd hoped to rise with a better understanding of why things had happened the way they did.

Instead I woke startled in the middle of the day. My soul and heart felt empty. An emptiness I hadn't felt since Dusk had returned and pulled me into his embrace earlier this year. I couldn't put my finger on it. Something just wasn't right.

I called to him repeatedly through the bond of our blood to no avail. He just wasn't there. I couldn't feel him. Panic set in and I began to claw my way out of the grave I'd placed myself in.

Chase stopped it with the promise of finding him. That child of mine is very in tune with my feelings. With his promise I calmed some, but continued to try calling to Dusk.

It wasn't long before self-doubt crept in. The memories flooded me of that night I found his nest empty. Of the night my world dropped out from under my feet and my entire life changed. I tried hard to tell myself that this was not the same. We are not the same. Dusk would not just leave his family.

Not my Dusk. Not now. When the sun finally set I frantically clawed my way out and sped into our home to look for him. He wasn't there. I felt the world spin, this was bad. He had simply vanished. Just like before. Once again the doubts crept in.

Had he just left? What did this mean for our family? How do I explain his absence? Especially now.

You see, now is the worse time possible for one of us to just be gone. We've taken in a teacup, his child has returned, my professional life is busier than ever and we've only been married a little over a month. How could this have happened? And how do I fix it?

How does one go about finding someone who has simply ceased to be? Because in essence that's what's happened. My Dusk is gone. I can't feel him. I can't find him. I can't communicate with him.

How do I hide my fears and pain from my children? Especially my vampire ones? They can feel it all, they know what I feel, they know how scared I really am. But, I can't face them. I can't face him being gone.

To face it means it's real. And if it's real it means he's truly gone. And I could never face that. I'd rather have met final death than to ever lose him again. So, what do I do?

I guess I go about undeath as usual. Explain away his absence and secretly search for him. And in the meantime I simply try to not fall apart. No one can know that he's gone. Not a single soul. They have to believe he's away on business.

Why?

Because his absence opens up too many unknowns and I don't have the strength to deal with those and losing him. I just can't.

~Sun~