Lost

Tonight I met this really nice vampire. Well I didn't know that vampires really existed but he says I'm one too. And I even have fangs. Which is so cool. I mean I can kill people if I want to. Maybe I should. There's this girl in biology that hates me cause I sat in her seat one day. I could kill her.

Oh wait, he says I'm not 15. He says I'm much older. I wonder if I'm really old, like 21 or something. But then I can drink beer.

He says I live in this big house with him and that he loves me. I wonder if we have sex. :) :) :) :)

He's really cute. I mean really cute. And so tall. I'm like a midget compared to him.
Oh wait, can you say midget?

Oh and my maker is a queen. She lives in a giant house too. And she's pretty. But I still don't know what a maker is. But she says I'm a good vampire. I don't remember being a vampire. I wonder how many people I've killed.

I wonder if I sleep in the same bed as him. He said I just moved in, but why? How long have we been dating? He acts like he's known me forever.

Oh and I found a picture of him on a dresser. He looks so handsome. I think I remember loving him. I hope he's not mad at me. Cuz I don't remember him.
I wanna remember. Everyone says I love him and he loves me back. I hope so. I like him. He makes me feel safe. I wonder how many times I've needed him. He seems good at saving me.

I hope I remember him when I wake up. I hope that he doesn't stop loving me because I can't remember loving him.

I just need to sleep on it and maybe when I wake up I'll remember everything.

Sunshine.

Moving In

It's offical, Sunshine has moved in with Dusk.

I wonder if he really knew what he was getting himself into. I come with a lot of baggage and shoes.

So what does this all mean? It means that we're happy. It does NOT mean we're engaged. Nor does it mean we will be anytime soon. It means that we love one another and wish to spend our undeaths together.

We don't need a piece of paper or a ring to prove our love. He knows that I love him and I know that he loves me. We're not rushing this.

We're taking the time to learn about one another again and just enjoying being together.

Its just nicer to do it in the same house. Besides this was supposed to be our house anyway. And my shoes look good in that closet.

I've been asked countless times in the last few days if I'd marry Dusk. The answer to that is....

Yes.

IF he were to ever wish to have me as his wife I would be quite happy to do so. Do I need to be married to him? No.

I trust him completely. He loves me. I have no doubt about that.

And I love him. I always have. Its just how it's always been with us.

So, we'll close that subject now. Unless you see him get down on one knee and pull out a ring, you can assume that we're NOT getting married. Discussion closed.

That said, I'll close with one simple thought.

Dusk and I are not together because of a piece of paper, we're together because we love each other enough to work hard to make this relationship work.

And that's whats important here.

Love.

Sunshine

Life, Love and Happiness

I've been thinking a lot these days about life, love and happiness. So I thought I'd touch on each of them briefly.

Life.

Well life is good these days. But I've learned that it always has been, even in the darkest of times. I've come to realize that even when I felt lost and alone, I never really was. My family was always there to support me. They didn't wait around for me to ask them for help, they just did it quietly and let me learn my way.

And that seems to be the best way. My mistakes are what help lead me in the right direction. It sometimes takes me awhile to see clearly, but I always do. And they let me. For that I am grateful.

Love.

Love is something I think I was searching too hard for. And it scared the hell out of me. My heart has always known where it belonged, it was the rest of me that lost sight of it. Even as I pushed him away I knew it wasn't right for me. And yet I listened to everything but my heart.

Infatuation and lust disguise themselves as love at times and I let myself believe in them when in reality the one who truly loved me was the one who continued to do so even though it broke his heart.

I've found my way back to him, though in reality I never really left, just took a little detour. My heart always remained with him.

Happiness.

Happiness had always escaped me, or so I thought. Looking back I now see that I was happier than I thought. Perhaps that was the problem. Thinking.

I refused to let myself be truly happy because I was scared of losing it. When in fact, it was I who was making myself so miserable. I stood in my own way, but not anymore. From the moment he kissed me, I found the strength to just be myself, for better or worse.

I've found happiness in his embrace but I've also learned that I have to be happy with myself to truly be happy with him. I love who I am. I love who I am with him. But most importantly I still love who I am when he's not around.

That is true happiness.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Moving Forward

As amazing as last night was, this afternoon was even better. Why? Because I woke up in his arms again. And it wasn't just a dream. He was really here.

Sometimes reality is so much better than those dreams.

I've dreamed of him often. Practically every single night of my life and nothing came close to last night. The way he looked at me made me feel so beautiful. The way he touched me made me feel alive again.

So, where do we go from here?

Forward. We just take it one day at a time. We learn about each other again and just enjoy the time we have together. Our past will always be there, but so will our future.

Who we were brought us to this point and who we are will take us forward. We're at the beginning of something brand new. This is Sun, all grown up, loving Draven. Not the vampire that saved that scared little girl, but the Draven that supports me and lets me make mistakes and helps me fix them.

I don't need him to save me anymore, we save each other now. He's all that matters at the end of the day. When I walk in the door, I can leave it all behind and just be the vampire he loves.

Sometimes you have to just risk it all to realize that you already had everything you ever wanted. And sometimes it takes something totally unexpected to open your eyes to what your heart already knew.

Love and kisses,
Sunshine

Meant To Be

Being back in his arms is better than I ever imagined it could be. Its so different. I don't just see him as that vampire that he was all those years ago. I see him for who he is now, in this undead life.

That's the man I want to know completely. The man I want to fall in love with over and over again. I want to make new memories with him. Ones that aren't tainted by pain.

I want to know what makes him smile and why. And I want to be one of those things. No, I want to be the main reason he smiles every night.

I want to go to bed knowing he'll be there when I open my eyes again. I want to be there when he's happy and when he's sad. I want to be there when needs to be loved and when he just needs to be alone.

I want him to always know that he can count me, that I won't let him down. I want him to trust that I'll always be here for him.

He gives me everything I never knew I wanted. And I want to do the same for him. I don't want to be the reason he gets up every night. I just want to be what he wants to get up for.

I want him to feel how much I love him every second of every day. Because it's what matters most.

He is my forever. And I am his.

And that is exactly how it's supposed to be.

Sunshine.

An Open Letter to @draven_blood

My Dearest Dusk,

Wow, so where to start. Ok, at the beginning. I love you. Yes, I know I've said it a million times, but this time is different.

Something happened that just woke me up and made me realize how much my life would suck without you. And how much I just need to be with you to know that I'm alive or undead or whatever the fuck I am.

The other night was amazing. Too amazing. I can't seem to forget how it felt to have your hands on me, your lips on mine. I'd forgotten how good it felt when you wanted me.

But it's not just about that. It's about so much more Dusk. It's about how no matter how hurt you are, you still want me to be happy. How no matter how miserable I am, knowing you're in the world, gives me a reason to smile every single day.

When I heard that you wanted to meet the sun, I just couldn't face the thought of an undeath without you. I wanted to meet final death myself. It was as though I was losing you all over again.

And I know I have to regain your trust. I know that you may never trust me again. But Dusk, I promise that I'm going to do my absolute best to do so. I love you and I respect you.

I think I just got scared. It was easier to go to him and use him as an excuse to push you away so I didn't lose you again. I just kept picturing waking up to find you gone again and I just couldn't face that again.

I won't see him again, even as a friend if that's what you wish. I should never have seen him before.

I was so lost and confused and scared. I just didn't know what I was doing anymore. The night I told you that I chose you was so perfect. Too perfect.

You know how I get. How I start thinking and how I just let it all get so confusing. Well that's what I did. I started thinking about you leaving me back then and how hard it was to let you go and I was so scared you'd leave again.

But I see now that it's a chance I'll have to take. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

I've learned that I don't need anyone else to make me happy. I can do that for myself. But I've also learned that I want to share this undeath with someone who brings me joy and comfort when I need it.

You're my very best friend. You're the one I turn to when everything is insane and I just need to hear that I'm doing ok. I want to be that for you. I want to be the person you can count on to always be there. The vampire you can trust to never let you down.

I want to be the vampire you love. The one you just can't get enough of. I want to be that girl you run off on crazy adventures with again. And I want you to be the vampire I spend eternity with.

It's always been you, Dusk. Even when I walked away, I never stopped loving you. I don't think I can. I was so stupid for telling you goodbye. Being in love with you is as natural to me as needing blood to survive. It is who I am. It's who I've always been.

I was trying to spend an eternity searching for something that was right here beside me all along. Love, friendship, and happiness.

You're all I've ever needed in life and undeath. You've never failed to love me, even when I didn't deserve it. You left because you loved me enough to protect me.I see that now. Thank you for never giving up on me, even when we were apart. You are truly one of a kind Dusk.

I don't know how else to tell you how I feel. I simply and completely love you.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me someday. And perhaps we could find a way to make this relationship work for us. It's the only thing I can hope for.

I just need you to give me the chance Dusk. Just give me the chance to prove to you that I can be the vampire you need. Please don't push me away.

Always and Forever Yours,

Sunshine

A forever kind of love?

Who wouldn't want a man that loves them with such passion and such depth? And that's what he does. He loves me.

He's only ever loved me. It was his love that brought my soul to life. It was his love that opened my eyes to goodness in the world.

How do I keep forgetting that? Why do I keep letting myself lose sight of how deeply he loves me?

And most importantly, why do I keep hurting him?

He deserves so much better than me.

Why can't he see that? I am nothing. Just the girl who breaks his heart.

And I hate myself more and more every second for doing it.

How did I lose my focus? How did I forget that love that was so all consuming for my entire life? Am I so different now that I can't let myself love him the way he deserves?

Or am I just so scared of losing him again that I push him away? Either way I'm torn to pieces over the pain I've caused. I've settled for a life with less meaning.

He brought me joy and peace once upon a time. He gave me more than I could have ever imagined or ever wanted.

His kiss ignites a fire that burns so hot it consumes us both. He pushes me away and I just walk right back in the door.

Is it possible to find my way back now? Or am I too lost? And if I did, have I pushed him too far away? Could he ever trust me again?

I have myself to blame for all of this. I had him. He loved me. And I turned my back on that for what? A chance at happiness?

Well, I'm not happy. I'm so damn miserable that most days I just wish for final death. It would be easier than seeing the pain in his eyes, feeling his hurt through a bond so strong that it knocks me off my feet every single day.

How do I forget him? Is it possible? And can I ever really let go of him? Or will the thought of him drive me to insanity with needing him so desperately.

He's the best part of my heart. His smile brings me the closest to Heaven that I'll ever get.

So....

How do I live without him? Is it possible? Do I even want to try? With one touch he has me feeling like that girl that loved him with all of her being. Is that what real love is? Is it knowing that someone only wants the best for you, even if it means they are in pain? Is it when he looks at you and you see forever in his eyes? Or is when he lets you go, so that you may find your way in the world but continues to guide you and protect you?

Is he my forever?

Sunshine.

The Ramblings of a Tortured Soul

How do you just walk away from a love like this? And how do you continue to hurt yourself over and over because you love someone?

I've tried to walk away, more than once. Hell I HAVE walked away, only to go right back within a matter of days. I've begged and pleaded and cried and yelled and yet here I go again.

Do you ever get over a love like this? I mean ever? Even if you find the strength to walk away do you always compare everyone to that person? I thought I knew once upon a time. Now I'm realizing that it's going to be a long long way to happy for me.

I just keep going back for more. WHY?

Hell we all know why. I love him. I love him more than I ever thought it possible to love another soul.

And I just keep on loving him, even when I know it hurts me. I can't just turn it off. I'm left in pieces after every single encounter. I've stopped picking up the pieces now. Why bother?

But damn if I can walk away. I just can't give him up. It's like an addiction. And I know it's silly and vampires don't breathe, but I can actually breathe when he's around.

It's like I can just be me and it's ok. He doesn't expect me to be perfect. He knows I have bad days and he lets me. He knows I cry and he lets me. Hell he holds me and tells me that eventually it will all be ok. And he offers advice but always says that I'll figure it out and that he'll be there if I need him.

We're good together. He makes me laugh and smile. I see the world differently when he's around. It's like it's all brand new again and so much fun to be in.

Why would I want to walk away from that?

Because it's killing me slowly and surely. And I keep letting it. Simply because I love him.

Everyone says it's time to walk away. And I probably should. But I don't want to. I've tried. I've tried so hard to just quit him.

And I always end up on the floor, sobbing and lost. Everything turns gray when he's gone.

He claims to not know love and maybe he doesn't. But I do.

I hate what this love has done to me. I hate feeling like I'm broken. Like I can't function.

Yet, I find myself right back there, standing in front of him, wanting him. And he wants me. I feel it every time he touches me. Every time he looks at me.

But all it is is temporary happiness that I enjoy in the moment. By morning I'm a broken mess once more. So I guess what I need to know is....

Is he my greatest love or the greatest disappointment in my life???

Sunshine

Humanity be damned!

How does one hang onto a humanity that has tortured their very soul?

One does not. One lets go and gives into the nature of the beast.

The nature that comes with being a killer, cold blooded, cold hearted and evil.

That is what I am. I am VAMPIRE, NOT HUMAN.

I can no longer allow the feelings to control my actions. It is time.

From this moment forward I shall begin to let go of humanity. It is my destiny. Too many years left in this hell to let emotions ruin the fun.

Will this decision sit well with many? Probably not. Do I give a fuck? NO!

I can not continue to let my life be ruled by emotion. I can not, nor will I continue to be hurt. So I am taking control and letting go of what made me human.

Deep inside there is a ruthless killer lurking. She has come out before and was quite interesting.

Humanity is for humans. I am NOT human.

Sunshine.

New Beginnings

A fresh start. Sounds good. Maybe this time I'll get it right. No man involved. Just a cute little furball. Yep a puppy. Sunshine's heart got stolen by a puppy.

Well at least he won't break it, right? Well I hope not anyway.

So, I'm starting over fresh. This time, no rushing anything. I'm just going to date and have fun. No expectations, no SEX! That's right, Sunshine is swearing off sex for a bit. It just complicates things. And I'd like to just see if they like me for me and not my body.

With that said, let's see how long any of them stick around. Experience tells me it won't be long. *sighs* But I've come to realize that I truly am worth waiting for. And worth risking it all for.

And if no one is willing to do either, then I have Slash and he loves me. Well as long as I keep the Kibble coming he will.

So, I'm asking you all to help me out here. I'm going to need friends that love and support me while I try to figure this all out. We all know I'm my own worst enemy. So I'm counting on you all to remind me that I am worth waiting for.

Sunshine.

Self Destruction

It's what I do best.

I have to stop this or I'm going to ruin it all. But how does one stop torturing herself?

Hell if I know. I just have to find a way to stop this. I walked away from everything for a chance at happiness. And I'm more miserable now than before I met either of them.

One can't make up his mind if I'm who he wants and the other, well the other just tells me the truth, no matter how bad I want him to lie.

And here I am, self destructing. Its what I know. And I've known it for far too long now. Time to stop.

So today, it ends.

I have to find a way to be happy without either of them. That's when I'll truly start to live.

Any ideas on how to do that? Because, I'm lost as hell here.

No, I'm not giving up on him. And no I'm not having second thoughts about my choices. I'm just trying to find a way to make myself happy on my own. I'm sick of being miserable because some guy can't fucking decide if I'm worth being with.

I am damnit. I'm worth risking it all for.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Yep, ending it there, because there's nothing left to say. I AM WORTH IT!

Mother....married???

My mommy got married. To my former pet. What the hell were we thinking going to Vegas high? Is it even legal? Is Chase really my daddy? Aww hell, fae blood is dangerous shit. They should outlaw it.

I'm just glad I passed out, or I might be married to him right now. Picture that. Me married to a human. Hell, me married at all. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the divorce.

It will take a hell of a special man to get me to marry again. One giant mistake like that is enough for one eternity.

Wonder how Mother will feel when she rises tomorrow evening. And how the hell am I going to get her out of this marriage with her dignity and her estate?

Chase isn't that bright but it may take some serious negotiation on my part. Could I just glamor him again? Or is that wrong?

Who the hell am I kidding here? We all know that I'll do whatever is necessary to get her out of this mess. And I'll try to keep Chase alive as well.

Hopefully not too many people know. We were all pretty messed up, so we couldn't have told that many people. It's not like we were home or anything.

She's gonna kill one of us for this.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Sunshine

What a rush. Fighting is just so damn much fun. And I got to just let loose and not worry about some man stepping in and trying to 'protect' me. Gods it was great.

For once I just got to be Sunshine. The Sunshine that stays hidden. The Sunshine most people never see.

I've missed her so much. Haven't you? *laughs*

Rolling around in the woods with Logan, growling, fighting and getting dirty was the most fun I've had in forever. Even the pain of his dagger cutting my arm was amazing.

I think I held my own against him. He underestimated me. I may look tiny and frail, but I am vampire and quite powerful.

And now I owe the fairy, stupid bitch blew up my car. Now I plan to make him beg for death. And I'm going to tease him relentlessly with it.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Regrets?????

I get asked this alot lately. Do I have any regrets about walking away from Draven and a life I'd dreamt of for so long. And I can honestly say No, I don't.

The reason? Because I needed to be happy. Not that Draven couldn't make me happy. He damn sure tried. And I'll always care for him. He was my first love. He will always hold a spot in my heart.

That said, I came to the realization that when I started going to Severus in private almost immdediately, that maybe I wasn't with who I truly loved.

And Severus, being the rational one, tried to help me see that I could very well end up regretting coming to him. Did I?

NO!

I tried to stay away. I really, really did. I just couldn't. So I stole moments of time with him. Moments where I was at peace and happy. The touch of his hand, the way he smiled at me, it all was so right.

And every time I walked away from him, I left another piece of my soul behind. And then the night came, where I didn't walk away. And I don't regret it.

I continued to live a lie publicly and live a love privately. And it finally became too much. I went to my maker and asked for advice. And once again, being the wise queen that she is, she told me to find what made me the happiest and go get it.

So, I thought and thought, and baked cookies. Yes, I baked cookies. Lots and lots of fucking cookies. And I kept coming back to the thought of never seeing Severus again.

And I felt such an emptiness inside. And I thought about how he makes me laugh, and how I want to wake up next to him every night and go to sleep with him every dawn.

How I want to know his dreams and help make them come true. And how his happiness matters more than my own.

So, I took myself to Draven and told him everything I was feeling. And I admitted what I'd done. And I stood there and I listened to him and his feelings. I owed him that.

The next step was the hardest of all. I needed to talk to Severus, not knowing if he'd even listen to what I had to say. It's very different saying it publicly, with no ties to bind you to anyone, than it is saying it in the heat of the moment, when you're breaking all the rules.

He made me the happiest vampire undead when he said I had a chance. But I won't lie, I want more than just a chance. I want HIM. I want him to choose me.

Yet, I know there is a possibility he won't. I hurt him. I walked away. And maybe I don't deserve the chance to be with him. But I plan to fight for him. Because he's worth it.

And if he chooses to walk away, then I'll respect that and let him go. Not because I want to, but because I love him enough to want him to be happy. Even if I end up with a broken heart.

I'd rather have had these few nights with him again, than a lifetime of knowing I didn't even try. Fate has a way of stepping in and working it all out the way it's meant to be.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy every single second I have with him. And do my best to prove to him that I am not going anywhere again. My heart belongs to him. It has since that first night he smiled me.

The future is uncertain, but my heart is true.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Undead and Loving It

So, I've completely turned my undeath upside down. Why? Because it needed it. Its time for me to be ME again. As much as I love and care for Draven, I am not the girl he left behind. I am different.

I hated hurting him, but I had to be honest with not only him, but with myself. And so I was. Maybe I didn't do it the right way, but it's done now. There is no turning back. My decision is made.

I choose ME.

Now, for that smokin hot demon. Yes, he is what I want, but I have no expectations of him. I knew who he was before this came to pass and I remember who he is now. I just know that I couldn't go another second without telling him that I love him. I want a life with him, but I am fully prepared to let him go if he asks. I want him to be happy and if that means he's happy with someone else then I'm prepared to deal with that.

My undeath has to be about me. Not a man, vampire or demon. I am the one that has to live it. The only one. So from now on I am going to live it on MY TERMS.

Last night was one of the best of this undeath. To be back in his arms was amazing. To feel his warmth, the touch of his lips, how he makes my body feel so damn good.

But today is just as good. Knowing that I am responsible for my own happiness is liberating.

And I plan to ensure that I remain happy.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine

Choices

My undeath. My terms. It's time.

I need to be true to myself. To do so I must make changes. Changes are not easy for someone like me. I crave routine. It's how I survive. Not anymore. It's time to shake things up.

I've been safe for far too long. I've loved something longer than I should have. Not a person, but an idea of something that I built up so high it could never live up to the expectations.

Reality check. It's time to give up the fantasy and start actually living my undeath. It is the one thing that truly is mine.

I chose to be vampire because it's ingrained in my soul. It's who I am. I'm not that little girl that let herself be hurt. I am a strong woman standing on her own two feet. And it's high time I remember that.

So, sit back, buckle up, and prepare yourself for the new dawning of SUN. It's going to be a hell of a ride.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Confusion

Confusion.

Big word, big problem. And I am stuck squarely in the middle of it. How'd I get here? Easy. I ran. I was afraid to feel something I needed to just feel. Now I'm questioning my whole undead life.

Things are not always what they seem. You can want something so much for so long that when you finally get it you don't actually realize it's not what you thought it would be.

People change, life goes on, even if you aren't actively participating in it. Funny how that works isn't it?

How do I figure this out? Feel. I have to feel it. Then I'll know exactly what I need to do.

I just hope my sanity holds out until then.

The one thing I know for certain.....

I'd rather have him rip my heart out than never have the chance to tell him I love him.

Sunshine.

Saying Goodbye

~Summer after Draven left~

Dusk,

I know you'll never get this letter, but I had to tell you how I feel. My therapist thinks it will help me finally let you go. Like that will ever happen. So here goes.

You're leaving nearly killed me. It still hurts. But what hurts more is that I still feel you. I still feel the love you have for me. Does this fucking bond ever fade? Or am I stuck feeling this for life? Not really sure I can handle feeling you all the time.

Dad says you're never coming back. He says you never loved me, that I was just a stupid little whore to you. But I know he's wrong. Like I said I can feel your love.

Are you coming back? Ever? And why? Why did you just up and leave? Did I do something wrong? I know you loved me. I know it like I know the sun will come up everyday.

Everyone tells me to just take the ring off, put it away and move on. Not so easily done. Its been four months since you left. Four agonizing months of missing you. I spent the first two in the hospital. The last two I've spent lying on the beach remembering all the nights we spent together.

This boy from school asked me out, but he only wanted sex. So I said NO. I don't want to date. I just want you.

I know you aren't coming back. I know it with my entire soul. It just hurts, you know? I don't want to live without you. I don't want to feel. I just want to be with you.

But that's not possible. You're gone. And I somehow have to find a way to let you go. I have no clue how to do that. I wish you were here so you could tell me.

I miss talking to you all night. I miss being able to tell you everything I'm feeling and how you never laugh at it. I miss feeling safe. Yep, that's what I miss most. Feeling SAFE.

I don't know if I ever will again.

So I guess this letter is my goodbye to you. The one I never got to say. The one you never said to me.

Only problem is, I can't say goodbye to you Dusk. I can't. Not now, not ever.

So, until we meet again my darling Dusk. I will love you until my death.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine

Dusk

Tonight I wish to focus on the present not just a memory. Tonight I wish to tell you why I love Draven to the depths that I do. And in hopes that you will learn to see the vampire that I see.

As you know I met Dusk when I was a mere child. Fifteen years old to be exact. He saved my life and loved me when I thought I was unlovable. And he still does.

I fell in love with his laugh, his smile, the way he lived his undeath to the fullest. His kindness knows no bounds. And yet, he can kill in seconds if he needs to. I fell in love with his generosity, his creativity, his way of just knowing the right thing to say at the right time.

I continue to love him because of how he treats me as an equal, even when I was human, he never made me feel less than equal to him. He doesn't see me as a child, he never has. He looks into my heart and my soul and shows me the strength I have. He allows me to make mistakes and helps me to see the lessons from them. He has not once given up on me.

I love Draven not because he saved my life, but because he gave me a reason to live. He helped me find the courage to fight. He helped me see that there was so much more to life than what I had at home.

The moment I opened my eyes to him, I saw the world differently. It was no longer black and white. It was full of color and laughter. He brought such joy to my life. In so many ways.

And even after he left my love for him remained. I could feel him, knew he loved me, knew he missed me as much as I missed him. That's why it was so hard to say goodbye to him. And yes I know I should've sensed he was back, but I'd shut myself off from him for so long at that point I just wasn't looking for the signs.

But when I opened that door, I was overpowered by the feelings rushing back. It was as if time had stood still. We were the same two beings we'd always been, well, I was vampire now, but we still belonged to one another.

I love Draven more than any words can express. I love him to the very depths of my soul. I would rather meet final death than see pain in his eyes.

And someday I'll be able to fully express to him that love. Until then, I can simply say....

Dusk,

I love you.

Sunshine

A Mother's Love

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children."


~16th Birthday~

You only turn 16 once and it should be special right? I'd asked Dusk to find my mother for months. He'd said he'd tried and no such luck. Well the night of my birthday he handed me a package with the most beautiful dress in it I could ever imagine. After he told me to put it on, he led me out to the car and we set out on a voyage that would eventually lead to the greatest gift I've ever received.

We pulled up to the small house and I looked at Dusk. Without a word he ushered me to the door and when it opened my Mom was standing there. Tears instantly welled up in my eyes and I just ran into her arms. This was the first time I'd seen my mother in ten years.

She was just as beautiful as I remembered and still smelled like Chanel No. 5. I felt like a child all over again. Like I was that little girl she'd left behind. I was so overcome with emotions. I couldn't stop the tears and it took several long minutes for Dusk to get my arms from around her.

We spent the night with my mom, just Dusk and I. He never told me how he found her or why she wasn't with the nest of her lover, but I was so happy to just see her. We talked about everything. Like how school was and if I was involved in arts like she always wanted. My mom is the most amazing painter,her paintings should be in museums. I remember them so well. Even though I was little when she left I'll never forget sitting on the floor of her studio while she painted.

To this day the smell of acrylics makes me think of her. My dad always kept her paintings hanging in the house. And I used to just sit for hours staring at them. Missing her. I don't know what happened to them all later. But they weren't there after I moved out. I'd give anything to just have one of her paintings.

I always longed to be the little girl who's mommy came to the class parties, who organized the field trips. But it wasn't meant to be. I was always going to be the little girl who's mom walked out. The little girl who's mom didn't love her enough to stay.

She wasn't there for all of my important moments. Like the first time I kissed a boy, or when my softball team won the championship, or my first real date. She wasn't there to protect me from my father, or for me to talk to when I needed her. And yet I still hoped for a moment of her life. I still wanted so desperately to be her little Sunshine.

My mother's smile used to brighten the world. And when she left I never thought I'd see the light again. Until Dusk found her. For me. He did it for me. I got to visit with her often for awhile, but then Dusk disappeared and I had no way of contacting her. Or even knowing if she wanted to see me anymore. And I needed her so bad when he left. I needed my mom. My heart was broken and my mom wasn't there to fix it.

I don't even know if she knows I'm vampire now. Or that Dusk is back, or that he ever left. I miss her. I miss my mom. There are so many things I want to say to her. So many questions I have. Like why? Why did she leave us? Was her vampire worth leaving her children for? Did she know what Daddy did to me all those years? And if she did, why didn't she stop him?

I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to ask her these things and honestly, I'm not sure I want to know the answers. I've always wondered if she ever loved me. But I've never doubted my love for her.

I love you Mom. Where ever you are.

Sunshine.

A safe place to land

~Memory Age 16~


Walking out of Dusk's that morning I knew things at home were going to be bad. I'd been gone for days with no word. I knew my father was going to be livid. He hated vampires more than anything and here I was his little girl running off with one. There would be hell to pay.

I walked as slow as I possibly could just trying to brace myself for what I knew was to come. It was just past dawn and Dusk was sleeping, with no idea I'd left. He couldn't protect me now. This was something I had to face on my own.

I opened the door quietly, praying Daddy was still sleeping. Instead I found him waiting in the living room.

"Fucking vampire slut" were the first words he said to me that morning. I ran, ran as fast as I could for the back door, begging God to let me get out safely. My luck has never been that good.

He caught me by my hair as I reached for the doorknob. So close to freedom I could taste it. With one firm yank, I was down, kicking and screaming. I tried desperately to grab onto the table, the chair, anything that would stop him from hurting me. But I knew it was already too late. He would win this battle.

God smiled on me that day as I slipped into the darkness quick. I woke close to nightfall, battered and bruised. My first instinct was to run to Dusk. To have him heal me. But I just couldn't force myself to move. I laid there for what seemed hours, slipping in and out of conciousness. I wanted him so much. I needed him to make me feel safe.

I felt the hands on me, my body being lifted. I was terrified my father was back to finish me off. Opening one swollen eye I could barely make out Draven's face. I relaxed into his arms. Gave into the pain, the darkness, the fear.

I awoke near dawn, in Dusk's bed. He lay next to me, close, but not touching. He offered to heal me, and I'm not sure why but I said no. I needed to prove to him that I wasn't with him just because of what he could do for me. I needed to feel this pain. I needed him to know he was worth it.

He refused to let me go home again for weeks. He even brought Star by to see me while I recovered. That was the moment I knew he really, truly loved me. Dusk was forever telling me that he loved me and saving my ass too many times to count. But when he walked in that house with Star in tow, I KNEW. He brought her there because I missed her.

I recovered, and life went back to normal. Or as normal as it can when an ancient vampire is in love with a small, fragile human. But all that time, he never hurt me. Not once. He just loved me and gave me what I needed. A safe place to land when it all went wrong.


SUN

Draven's

~Winter, age 15~

It was winter break from school and I was spending all of my nights with Dusk.I'd been wanting to ask him about bonding for so long and yet was too afraid to bring it up. I knew that he thought me young and I was. But he loved me. And I loved him.

I gathered my courage one night just before dawn. I simply whispered, 'I want to bond with you.'

I'll never forget the shock on his face, and how he froze, just stopped moving. He pulled me up and stared at me for a very long time before speaking. He asked me if I knew what I was asking and all that it meant.

I nodded, but wasn't really sure. I guess he sensed my naivete and concern. I sat quietly as he explained that a blood bond was powerful and would keep us close.

Draven explained that after the first exchange my senses would heighten, my sexuality would increase and he'd be able to feel me at all times. I found myself wanting it even more after that. He went on to explain that after the second exchange he would be able to influence me and the third would be the one that completed the bond. Of course for every exchange of blood after that, the bond would only strengthen.

After he was done, I kissed him softly and told him this is what I longed for. To be bonded to him for eternity. His laughter filled the room and he pointed out that I was a mere 15 years of age and very much human. Letting a tear slip free, I turned from him, my heart broken that he didn't wish to bond with me.

Before I knew it I was in his arms, his kiss exciting me. Pulling back he looked at me and smiled before bringing his wrist to his mouth and tearing into it. He pressed it to my lips, and told me to drink as he pulled my own wrist to his mouth and sank fangs deep. His blood was sweet, and I drank hungrily. It was the first time I'd ever tasted blood, but I wanted it so much that I didn't even register that it should be gross.

Pulling back from me, he broke the spell I was under and laid me back on the bed. He spent the remainder of the night making love to me and feeding from me. The dreams started as I slept that morning. Dreams of him, of us, of our moments in bed, and how bad I wanted him. It had begun. I was drawn to him even in dream.

Two nights later he planned to have our second bonding. I was so excited and restless the whole day. I just couldn't sleep. So instead I wrote to him, telling him what this meant to me. I don't think I ever gave it to him either.

That night as soon as he rose he pulled me to him, and offered his wrist. I drank again, feeling his influence strengthen as his blood mixed with mine. He explained to me that now we were bonded stronger and that now was the time to really decide if I wished this. Once done, it was hard to break.

I thought about it all night, as we watched tv, as he hunted,and I kept coming to the same answer.

YES.

Just before daybreak, I told him that I was positive this was what I wanted. I continued to dream of him that night. I quietly left as he slept and returned home. Now, home was not a place I liked to be and my father started in on me as soon as I walked in the door. Ignoring him I went to my bedroom to sleep, knowing I would need to be full aware of what was going on as the last bond was put in place.

The nightmares plaqued me that day and as soon as dusk arrived, Draven was standing at my bedside, his arms around me, sheltering me from the storms that brewed in my dreams.I woke to his smile, his protection.

Carrying me back to his nest, he never let go that night. We made love for hours, completing the bond during. Our blood now mixed, our bodies and souls joined for eternity.

I was happy. I was his. And I remain so to this day.

I am and always have been Draven's.

SUN

A soul shattered

Late July 2009


Sitting outside on the patio of the Bon Temps house I knew it was past time to put him away. To give up hope, but I'd been holding onto him for so long it was not something I could just easily do. I sat staring at the ring on my finger for hours. Twisting it, playing with it, not wanting to take it off.

The night grew late, the rain began, mixing with my tears as I let memories of him and our life together wash over me. Star was visiting our father and I had the place to myself to just grieve for a vampire that owned my very soul.

Soaked to the bone, crying uncontrollably, clutching his picture to my heart, I slowly slid the diamond from my finger and held it in my palm.

Empty.

Shattered.

Dead.

I felt as though I were betraying him. That I needed to just hold on a little longer. But it was painfully clear that he wasn't coming back. I'd searched and searched for years. More years than I probably should've. But I just couldn't give up on him. He'd never given up on me.

I sat in that chair as dawn approached, watching the sun streak the sky purples and reds. Knowing that he was somewhere and he chose to be there without me. That is the part that shattered my soul the most. How he could just walk away from all that we shared.

I finally got out of that chair and walked to the bedroom in a fog. Climbing in the bed I pulled the box with his letters to me out and randomly chose one. My tears smeared the words he'd written. I'd read them so many times over the years, I could recite them by heart and yet here I lay in bed, drenched, reading the words that broke my heart with every letter.

Holding on to it as if it were the only thing saving me that night, I lay to sleep in his shirt, wrapped in a scent that had faded many years before and yet I could still smell him. I could still feel him. I could still love him.

Sleep didn't come that day, nor the next. I just sat in bed for two days holding that ring and his letters. I couldn't bear to let go. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to someone I loved so much. Someone who was such a part of me.

Tears flowed freely as I stood and laid the ring gently into the box, on top of letters, roses from years back and a shirt that had brought me such comfort for so many years. Closing the lid and locking it shut, I successfully locked my shattered soul in that box.

I never once said goodbye to Draven. I simply whispered a soft 'Until we meet again my love' as I slid the box to the back of the closet and sank to the floor in quiet, soul wrenching sobs. Sobs that no one heard, no one would ever hear.

The box remains locked to this very day. I have not been able to bring myself to open it. It holds a love so deep that to have opened it without him would have been asking for despair to consume me. Perhaps someday Dusk shall do the honors and release me from the prison that box represents. A prison of my own making.

SUN

A soul's kiss

~Memory of Sun and Draven~

Fall (age 18)

I watched him wake next to me, his eyes fluttering open,automatically reaching for me. Willingly going to him because in his arms is where I always wanted to be. I couldn't get enough of him. My body craved his touch. Still does.

The nights came earlier then, dusk was always my favorite time of day. In fact it's how he got his nickname. Dusk was the time of day I got to see him. Granted I spent most every second of my life in his arms, life, home, but dusk meant he was awake and we could talk, kiss, hug, make love.

This night was special in that we'd been officially together for three years. We'd been together in soul and spirit from that night he picked me up off the beach, but this night was the anniversary of the night we'd made it official. The night we'd made love for the first time. The first time he told me he loved me and I him.

I'd planned a nice evening in, but things rarely worked out that way for us. Dusk was hungry. Too hungry to take the chance on feeding from me, so out we went. I loved those outings, for the simple fact that he dressed me up and used me as bait. It was exciting. I knew he'd never let anyone hurt me. He would kill them before that happened.

So that night he dressed me up in the cutest little plaid skirt, white button down shirt and sneakers. I looked the part perfectly. Innocent little girl out for a walk in the park . Knowing that they'd had a rash of rapes there, Dusk lay in wait for someone to approach. Walking down that path I felt his eyes on me, his love with me. I was never afraid.

An hour later, Dusk was full enough for us to go home. We walked hand in hand down Bourbon St. People always stared at us. Not because Dusk looked his age, but because I looked so young. And we couldn't keep our hands off of each other for anything. We were always stealing kisses,touches, moments that belonged to just us. Making our way slowly home, his arm around me, mine around him, our lives joined for eternity.

The house was very quiet for that time of night, Dusk explained he'd asked the nest to leave so we could be alone. He made me dinner, yes I know, a vampire cook. But he did. I think it was the one and only time I'd seen him in a human light. He watched me eat, as he always did. My humanity fascinated him. He'd been vampire for so long that he had completely forgotten how humans acted.

He once told me that I gave him his humanity back, but I'm not sure Dusk was ever human. Not that it mattered. I loved him for who he was.

After dinner, he picked me up, kissing me tenderly, carrying me to our bedroom. Laying me softly on the bed, he took his time undressing me, leaving a trail of cold kisses down my body as he removed clothing. His hands traveled the length of me, caressing, touching, driving me insane. In the way only he could. Our bodies were joined that night as much as our souls had always been. As he made love to me for hours, I felt more loved than I'd felt to that day. Dusk always had a way of making me feel love.

Our bond strengthened every time we made love. I never told him no. Never. I wanted it more than he did I think. And he always gave in.

We spent the night in bed, the next day dawned and we stayed in each others' arms. We loved and were loved in return. With a vampire like Dusk, you just never get enough.


SUN

Turned

*Memory Dec 2009*

I had wanted to be turned for many years. And I'd never found the right vampire to do it since Dusk had left. Until the night I met the beautiful @Fangtasia_Queen. She quickly became my idol when I was human and I longed to be like her. She was not only beautiful, she was kind. I was honored when she asked me to spend time with her at her estate. So I did. ALOT. We went to Fangtasia. Played Yahtzee. I let her feed from me. And then one night I gathered my courage and asked her if she'd consider turning me. I was so happy when she agreed.

My dream was finally coming true. I'd finally be a vampire. I'd only wanted it since I was a little girl.

I remember the feel of her fangs as she drained me to the point of no return. Then waking up in the ground, starving. The bloodlust was overwhelming. Her Majesty is a womderful maker, who taught me well and I am so honored to be her child.

It wasn't long after that that she asked me to be her 2nd and I accepted. From that moment on I have lived to protect and serve her. And will until I meet final death.

There was however a small part of my heart that ached for Dusk. He was supposed to have been my maker. But fate intervened and things worked out as they should. Now I have not only a wonderful maker, I have my beloved back.

Undeath is good these days.

SUN

The Homecoming

Journal Entry 2/28/2010

Decision made. I chose the only one to ever truly hold my heart. Draven. My Dusk. Opening that door to find him there, completely changed my world. And tonight, my soul is rejoined with his. As if we've never been apart.

After calling to him, I got the joy of telling him I chose him. The love that shone in his eyes, the way he held me. How he knew what I needed. It is truly a happy night.

I'm back where I belong, with Dusk. Now the happily ever after begins.

SUN

*happy in love*