A Mother's Love

"Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children."


~16th Birthday~

You only turn 16 once and it should be special right? I'd asked Dusk to find my mother for months. He'd said he'd tried and no such luck. Well the night of my birthday he handed me a package with the most beautiful dress in it I could ever imagine. After he told me to put it on, he led me out to the car and we set out on a voyage that would eventually lead to the greatest gift I've ever received.

We pulled up to the small house and I looked at Dusk. Without a word he ushered me to the door and when it opened my Mom was standing there. Tears instantly welled up in my eyes and I just ran into her arms. This was the first time I'd seen my mother in ten years.

She was just as beautiful as I remembered and still smelled like Chanel No. 5. I felt like a child all over again. Like I was that little girl she'd left behind. I was so overcome with emotions. I couldn't stop the tears and it took several long minutes for Dusk to get my arms from around her.

We spent the night with my mom, just Dusk and I. He never told me how he found her or why she wasn't with the nest of her lover, but I was so happy to just see her. We talked about everything. Like how school was and if I was involved in arts like she always wanted. My mom is the most amazing painter,her paintings should be in museums. I remember them so well. Even though I was little when she left I'll never forget sitting on the floor of her studio while she painted.

To this day the smell of acrylics makes me think of her. My dad always kept her paintings hanging in the house. And I used to just sit for hours staring at them. Missing her. I don't know what happened to them all later. But they weren't there after I moved out. I'd give anything to just have one of her paintings.

I always longed to be the little girl who's mommy came to the class parties, who organized the field trips. But it wasn't meant to be. I was always going to be the little girl who's mom walked out. The little girl who's mom didn't love her enough to stay.

She wasn't there for all of my important moments. Like the first time I kissed a boy, or when my softball team won the championship, or my first real date. She wasn't there to protect me from my father, or for me to talk to when I needed her. And yet I still hoped for a moment of her life. I still wanted so desperately to be her little Sunshine.

My mother's smile used to brighten the world. And when she left I never thought I'd see the light again. Until Dusk found her. For me. He did it for me. I got to visit with her often for awhile, but then Dusk disappeared and I had no way of contacting her. Or even knowing if she wanted to see me anymore. And I needed her so bad when he left. I needed my mom. My heart was broken and my mom wasn't there to fix it.

I don't even know if she knows I'm vampire now. Or that Dusk is back, or that he ever left. I miss her. I miss my mom. There are so many things I want to say to her. So many questions I have. Like why? Why did she leave us? Was her vampire worth leaving her children for? Did she know what Daddy did to me all those years? And if she did, why didn't she stop him?

I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance to ask her these things and honestly, I'm not sure I want to know the answers. I've always wondered if she ever loved me. But I've never doubted my love for her.

I love you Mom. Where ever you are.

Sunshine.

A safe place to land

~Memory Age 16~


Walking out of Dusk's that morning I knew things at home were going to be bad. I'd been gone for days with no word. I knew my father was going to be livid. He hated vampires more than anything and here I was his little girl running off with one. There would be hell to pay.

I walked as slow as I possibly could just trying to brace myself for what I knew was to come. It was just past dawn and Dusk was sleeping, with no idea I'd left. He couldn't protect me now. This was something I had to face on my own.

I opened the door quietly, praying Daddy was still sleeping. Instead I found him waiting in the living room.

"Fucking vampire slut" were the first words he said to me that morning. I ran, ran as fast as I could for the back door, begging God to let me get out safely. My luck has never been that good.

He caught me by my hair as I reached for the doorknob. So close to freedom I could taste it. With one firm yank, I was down, kicking and screaming. I tried desperately to grab onto the table, the chair, anything that would stop him from hurting me. But I knew it was already too late. He would win this battle.

God smiled on me that day as I slipped into the darkness quick. I woke close to nightfall, battered and bruised. My first instinct was to run to Dusk. To have him heal me. But I just couldn't force myself to move. I laid there for what seemed hours, slipping in and out of conciousness. I wanted him so much. I needed him to make me feel safe.

I felt the hands on me, my body being lifted. I was terrified my father was back to finish me off. Opening one swollen eye I could barely make out Draven's face. I relaxed into his arms. Gave into the pain, the darkness, the fear.

I awoke near dawn, in Dusk's bed. He lay next to me, close, but not touching. He offered to heal me, and I'm not sure why but I said no. I needed to prove to him that I wasn't with him just because of what he could do for me. I needed to feel this pain. I needed him to know he was worth it.

He refused to let me go home again for weeks. He even brought Star by to see me while I recovered. That was the moment I knew he really, truly loved me. Dusk was forever telling me that he loved me and saving my ass too many times to count. But when he walked in that house with Star in tow, I KNEW. He brought her there because I missed her.

I recovered, and life went back to normal. Or as normal as it can when an ancient vampire is in love with a small, fragile human. But all that time, he never hurt me. Not once. He just loved me and gave me what I needed. A safe place to land when it all went wrong.


SUN

Draven's

~Winter, age 15~

It was winter break from school and I was spending all of my nights with Dusk.I'd been wanting to ask him about bonding for so long and yet was too afraid to bring it up. I knew that he thought me young and I was. But he loved me. And I loved him.

I gathered my courage one night just before dawn. I simply whispered, 'I want to bond with you.'

I'll never forget the shock on his face, and how he froze, just stopped moving. He pulled me up and stared at me for a very long time before speaking. He asked me if I knew what I was asking and all that it meant.

I nodded, but wasn't really sure. I guess he sensed my naivete and concern. I sat quietly as he explained that a blood bond was powerful and would keep us close.

Draven explained that after the first exchange my senses would heighten, my sexuality would increase and he'd be able to feel me at all times. I found myself wanting it even more after that. He went on to explain that after the second exchange he would be able to influence me and the third would be the one that completed the bond. Of course for every exchange of blood after that, the bond would only strengthen.

After he was done, I kissed him softly and told him this is what I longed for. To be bonded to him for eternity. His laughter filled the room and he pointed out that I was a mere 15 years of age and very much human. Letting a tear slip free, I turned from him, my heart broken that he didn't wish to bond with me.

Before I knew it I was in his arms, his kiss exciting me. Pulling back he looked at me and smiled before bringing his wrist to his mouth and tearing into it. He pressed it to my lips, and told me to drink as he pulled my own wrist to his mouth and sank fangs deep. His blood was sweet, and I drank hungrily. It was the first time I'd ever tasted blood, but I wanted it so much that I didn't even register that it should be gross.

Pulling back from me, he broke the spell I was under and laid me back on the bed. He spent the remainder of the night making love to me and feeding from me. The dreams started as I slept that morning. Dreams of him, of us, of our moments in bed, and how bad I wanted him. It had begun. I was drawn to him even in dream.

Two nights later he planned to have our second bonding. I was so excited and restless the whole day. I just couldn't sleep. So instead I wrote to him, telling him what this meant to me. I don't think I ever gave it to him either.

That night as soon as he rose he pulled me to him, and offered his wrist. I drank again, feeling his influence strengthen as his blood mixed with mine. He explained to me that now we were bonded stronger and that now was the time to really decide if I wished this. Once done, it was hard to break.

I thought about it all night, as we watched tv, as he hunted,and I kept coming to the same answer.

YES.

Just before daybreak, I told him that I was positive this was what I wanted. I continued to dream of him that night. I quietly left as he slept and returned home. Now, home was not a place I liked to be and my father started in on me as soon as I walked in the door. Ignoring him I went to my bedroom to sleep, knowing I would need to be full aware of what was going on as the last bond was put in place.

The nightmares plaqued me that day and as soon as dusk arrived, Draven was standing at my bedside, his arms around me, sheltering me from the storms that brewed in my dreams.I woke to his smile, his protection.

Carrying me back to his nest, he never let go that night. We made love for hours, completing the bond during. Our blood now mixed, our bodies and souls joined for eternity.

I was happy. I was his. And I remain so to this day.

I am and always have been Draven's.

SUN

A soul shattered

Late July 2009


Sitting outside on the patio of the Bon Temps house I knew it was past time to put him away. To give up hope, but I'd been holding onto him for so long it was not something I could just easily do. I sat staring at the ring on my finger for hours. Twisting it, playing with it, not wanting to take it off.

The night grew late, the rain began, mixing with my tears as I let memories of him and our life together wash over me. Star was visiting our father and I had the place to myself to just grieve for a vampire that owned my very soul.

Soaked to the bone, crying uncontrollably, clutching his picture to my heart, I slowly slid the diamond from my finger and held it in my palm.

Empty.

Shattered.

Dead.

I felt as though I were betraying him. That I needed to just hold on a little longer. But it was painfully clear that he wasn't coming back. I'd searched and searched for years. More years than I probably should've. But I just couldn't give up on him. He'd never given up on me.

I sat in that chair as dawn approached, watching the sun streak the sky purples and reds. Knowing that he was somewhere and he chose to be there without me. That is the part that shattered my soul the most. How he could just walk away from all that we shared.

I finally got out of that chair and walked to the bedroom in a fog. Climbing in the bed I pulled the box with his letters to me out and randomly chose one. My tears smeared the words he'd written. I'd read them so many times over the years, I could recite them by heart and yet here I lay in bed, drenched, reading the words that broke my heart with every letter.

Holding on to it as if it were the only thing saving me that night, I lay to sleep in his shirt, wrapped in a scent that had faded many years before and yet I could still smell him. I could still feel him. I could still love him.

Sleep didn't come that day, nor the next. I just sat in bed for two days holding that ring and his letters. I couldn't bear to let go. I couldn't bring myself to say goodbye to someone I loved so much. Someone who was such a part of me.

Tears flowed freely as I stood and laid the ring gently into the box, on top of letters, roses from years back and a shirt that had brought me such comfort for so many years. Closing the lid and locking it shut, I successfully locked my shattered soul in that box.

I never once said goodbye to Draven. I simply whispered a soft 'Until we meet again my love' as I slid the box to the back of the closet and sank to the floor in quiet, soul wrenching sobs. Sobs that no one heard, no one would ever hear.

The box remains locked to this very day. I have not been able to bring myself to open it. It holds a love so deep that to have opened it without him would have been asking for despair to consume me. Perhaps someday Dusk shall do the honors and release me from the prison that box represents. A prison of my own making.

SUN

A soul's kiss

~Memory of Sun and Draven~

Fall (age 18)

I watched him wake next to me, his eyes fluttering open,automatically reaching for me. Willingly going to him because in his arms is where I always wanted to be. I couldn't get enough of him. My body craved his touch. Still does.

The nights came earlier then, dusk was always my favorite time of day. In fact it's how he got his nickname. Dusk was the time of day I got to see him. Granted I spent most every second of my life in his arms, life, home, but dusk meant he was awake and we could talk, kiss, hug, make love.

This night was special in that we'd been officially together for three years. We'd been together in soul and spirit from that night he picked me up off the beach, but this night was the anniversary of the night we'd made it official. The night we'd made love for the first time. The first time he told me he loved me and I him.

I'd planned a nice evening in, but things rarely worked out that way for us. Dusk was hungry. Too hungry to take the chance on feeding from me, so out we went. I loved those outings, for the simple fact that he dressed me up and used me as bait. It was exciting. I knew he'd never let anyone hurt me. He would kill them before that happened.

So that night he dressed me up in the cutest little plaid skirt, white button down shirt and sneakers. I looked the part perfectly. Innocent little girl out for a walk in the park . Knowing that they'd had a rash of rapes there, Dusk lay in wait for someone to approach. Walking down that path I felt his eyes on me, his love with me. I was never afraid.

An hour later, Dusk was full enough for us to go home. We walked hand in hand down Bourbon St. People always stared at us. Not because Dusk looked his age, but because I looked so young. And we couldn't keep our hands off of each other for anything. We were always stealing kisses,touches, moments that belonged to just us. Making our way slowly home, his arm around me, mine around him, our lives joined for eternity.

The house was very quiet for that time of night, Dusk explained he'd asked the nest to leave so we could be alone. He made me dinner, yes I know, a vampire cook. But he did. I think it was the one and only time I'd seen him in a human light. He watched me eat, as he always did. My humanity fascinated him. He'd been vampire for so long that he had completely forgotten how humans acted.

He once told me that I gave him his humanity back, but I'm not sure Dusk was ever human. Not that it mattered. I loved him for who he was.

After dinner, he picked me up, kissing me tenderly, carrying me to our bedroom. Laying me softly on the bed, he took his time undressing me, leaving a trail of cold kisses down my body as he removed clothing. His hands traveled the length of me, caressing, touching, driving me insane. In the way only he could. Our bodies were joined that night as much as our souls had always been. As he made love to me for hours, I felt more loved than I'd felt to that day. Dusk always had a way of making me feel love.

Our bond strengthened every time we made love. I never told him no. Never. I wanted it more than he did I think. And he always gave in.

We spent the night in bed, the next day dawned and we stayed in each others' arms. We loved and were loved in return. With a vampire like Dusk, you just never get enough.


SUN

Turned

*Memory Dec 2009*

I had wanted to be turned for many years. And I'd never found the right vampire to do it since Dusk had left. Until the night I met the beautiful @Fangtasia_Queen. She quickly became my idol when I was human and I longed to be like her. She was not only beautiful, she was kind. I was honored when she asked me to spend time with her at her estate. So I did. ALOT. We went to Fangtasia. Played Yahtzee. I let her feed from me. And then one night I gathered my courage and asked her if she'd consider turning me. I was so happy when she agreed.

My dream was finally coming true. I'd finally be a vampire. I'd only wanted it since I was a little girl.

I remember the feel of her fangs as she drained me to the point of no return. Then waking up in the ground, starving. The bloodlust was overwhelming. Her Majesty is a womderful maker, who taught me well and I am so honored to be her child.

It wasn't long after that that she asked me to be her 2nd and I accepted. From that moment on I have lived to protect and serve her. And will until I meet final death.

There was however a small part of my heart that ached for Dusk. He was supposed to have been my maker. But fate intervened and things worked out as they should. Now I have not only a wonderful maker, I have my beloved back.

Undeath is good these days.

SUN

The Homecoming

Journal Entry 2/28/2010

Decision made. I chose the only one to ever truly hold my heart. Draven. My Dusk. Opening that door to find him there, completely changed my world. And tonight, my soul is rejoined with his. As if we've never been apart.

After calling to him, I got the joy of telling him I chose him. The love that shone in his eyes, the way he held me. How he knew what I needed. It is truly a happy night.

I'm back where I belong, with Dusk. Now the happily ever after begins.

SUN

*happy in love*