Sunshine

What a rush. Fighting is just so damn much fun. And I got to just let loose and not worry about some man stepping in and trying to 'protect' me. Gods it was great.

For once I just got to be Sunshine. The Sunshine that stays hidden. The Sunshine most people never see.

I've missed her so much. Haven't you? *laughs*

Rolling around in the woods with Logan, growling, fighting and getting dirty was the most fun I've had in forever. Even the pain of his dagger cutting my arm was amazing.

I think I held my own against him. He underestimated me. I may look tiny and frail, but I am vampire and quite powerful.

And now I owe the fairy, stupid bitch blew up my car. Now I plan to make him beg for death. And I'm going to tease him relentlessly with it.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Regrets?????

I get asked this alot lately. Do I have any regrets about walking away from Draven and a life I'd dreamt of for so long. And I can honestly say No, I don't.

The reason? Because I needed to be happy. Not that Draven couldn't make me happy. He damn sure tried. And I'll always care for him. He was my first love. He will always hold a spot in my heart.

That said, I came to the realization that when I started going to Severus in private almost immdediately, that maybe I wasn't with who I truly loved.

And Severus, being the rational one, tried to help me see that I could very well end up regretting coming to him. Did I?

NO!

I tried to stay away. I really, really did. I just couldn't. So I stole moments of time with him. Moments where I was at peace and happy. The touch of his hand, the way he smiled at me, it all was so right.

And every time I walked away from him, I left another piece of my soul behind. And then the night came, where I didn't walk away. And I don't regret it.

I continued to live a lie publicly and live a love privately. And it finally became too much. I went to my maker and asked for advice. And once again, being the wise queen that she is, she told me to find what made me the happiest and go get it.

So, I thought and thought, and baked cookies. Yes, I baked cookies. Lots and lots of fucking cookies. And I kept coming back to the thought of never seeing Severus again.

And I felt such an emptiness inside. And I thought about how he makes me laugh, and how I want to wake up next to him every night and go to sleep with him every dawn.

How I want to know his dreams and help make them come true. And how his happiness matters more than my own.

So, I took myself to Draven and told him everything I was feeling. And I admitted what I'd done. And I stood there and I listened to him and his feelings. I owed him that.

The next step was the hardest of all. I needed to talk to Severus, not knowing if he'd even listen to what I had to say. It's very different saying it publicly, with no ties to bind you to anyone, than it is saying it in the heat of the moment, when you're breaking all the rules.

He made me the happiest vampire undead when he said I had a chance. But I won't lie, I want more than just a chance. I want HIM. I want him to choose me.

Yet, I know there is a possibility he won't. I hurt him. I walked away. And maybe I don't deserve the chance to be with him. But I plan to fight for him. Because he's worth it.

And if he chooses to walk away, then I'll respect that and let him go. Not because I want to, but because I love him enough to want him to be happy. Even if I end up with a broken heart.

I'd rather have had these few nights with him again, than a lifetime of knowing I didn't even try. Fate has a way of stepping in and working it all out the way it's meant to be.

So, for now, I'm going to enjoy every single second I have with him. And do my best to prove to him that I am not going anywhere again. My heart belongs to him. It has since that first night he smiled me.

The future is uncertain, but my heart is true.

Love and kisses

Sunshine.

Undead and Loving It

So, I've completely turned my undeath upside down. Why? Because it needed it. Its time for me to be ME again. As much as I love and care for Draven, I am not the girl he left behind. I am different.

I hated hurting him, but I had to be honest with not only him, but with myself. And so I was. Maybe I didn't do it the right way, but it's done now. There is no turning back. My decision is made.

I choose ME.

Now, for that smokin hot demon. Yes, he is what I want, but I have no expectations of him. I knew who he was before this came to pass and I remember who he is now. I just know that I couldn't go another second without telling him that I love him. I want a life with him, but I am fully prepared to let him go if he asks. I want him to be happy and if that means he's happy with someone else then I'm prepared to deal with that.

My undeath has to be about me. Not a man, vampire or demon. I am the one that has to live it. The only one. So from now on I am going to live it on MY TERMS.

Last night was one of the best of this undeath. To be back in his arms was amazing. To feel his warmth, the touch of his lips, how he makes my body feel so damn good.

But today is just as good. Knowing that I am responsible for my own happiness is liberating.

And I plan to ensure that I remain happy.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine

Choices

My undeath. My terms. It's time.

I need to be true to myself. To do so I must make changes. Changes are not easy for someone like me. I crave routine. It's how I survive. Not anymore. It's time to shake things up.

I've been safe for far too long. I've loved something longer than I should have. Not a person, but an idea of something that I built up so high it could never live up to the expectations.

Reality check. It's time to give up the fantasy and start actually living my undeath. It is the one thing that truly is mine.

I chose to be vampire because it's ingrained in my soul. It's who I am. I'm not that little girl that let herself be hurt. I am a strong woman standing on her own two feet. And it's high time I remember that.

So, sit back, buckle up, and prepare yourself for the new dawning of SUN. It's going to be a hell of a ride.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine.

Confusion

Confusion.

Big word, big problem. And I am stuck squarely in the middle of it. How'd I get here? Easy. I ran. I was afraid to feel something I needed to just feel. Now I'm questioning my whole undead life.

Things are not always what they seem. You can want something so much for so long that when you finally get it you don't actually realize it's not what you thought it would be.

People change, life goes on, even if you aren't actively participating in it. Funny how that works isn't it?

How do I figure this out? Feel. I have to feel it. Then I'll know exactly what I need to do.

I just hope my sanity holds out until then.

The one thing I know for certain.....

I'd rather have him rip my heart out than never have the chance to tell him I love him.

Sunshine.

Saying Goodbye

~Summer after Draven left~

Dusk,

I know you'll never get this letter, but I had to tell you how I feel. My therapist thinks it will help me finally let you go. Like that will ever happen. So here goes.

You're leaving nearly killed me. It still hurts. But what hurts more is that I still feel you. I still feel the love you have for me. Does this fucking bond ever fade? Or am I stuck feeling this for life? Not really sure I can handle feeling you all the time.

Dad says you're never coming back. He says you never loved me, that I was just a stupid little whore to you. But I know he's wrong. Like I said I can feel your love.

Are you coming back? Ever? And why? Why did you just up and leave? Did I do something wrong? I know you loved me. I know it like I know the sun will come up everyday.

Everyone tells me to just take the ring off, put it away and move on. Not so easily done. Its been four months since you left. Four agonizing months of missing you. I spent the first two in the hospital. The last two I've spent lying on the beach remembering all the nights we spent together.

This boy from school asked me out, but he only wanted sex. So I said NO. I don't want to date. I just want you.

I know you aren't coming back. I know it with my entire soul. It just hurts, you know? I don't want to live without you. I don't want to feel. I just want to be with you.

But that's not possible. You're gone. And I somehow have to find a way to let you go. I have no clue how to do that. I wish you were here so you could tell me.

I miss talking to you all night. I miss being able to tell you everything I'm feeling and how you never laugh at it. I miss feeling safe. Yep, that's what I miss most. Feeling SAFE.

I don't know if I ever will again.

So I guess this letter is my goodbye to you. The one I never got to say. The one you never said to me.

Only problem is, I can't say goodbye to you Dusk. I can't. Not now, not ever.

So, until we meet again my darling Dusk. I will love you until my death.

Love and kisses,

Sunshine

Dusk

Tonight I wish to focus on the present not just a memory. Tonight I wish to tell you why I love Draven to the depths that I do. And in hopes that you will learn to see the vampire that I see.

As you know I met Dusk when I was a mere child. Fifteen years old to be exact. He saved my life and loved me when I thought I was unlovable. And he still does.

I fell in love with his laugh, his smile, the way he lived his undeath to the fullest. His kindness knows no bounds. And yet, he can kill in seconds if he needs to. I fell in love with his generosity, his creativity, his way of just knowing the right thing to say at the right time.

I continue to love him because of how he treats me as an equal, even when I was human, he never made me feel less than equal to him. He doesn't see me as a child, he never has. He looks into my heart and my soul and shows me the strength I have. He allows me to make mistakes and helps me to see the lessons from them. He has not once given up on me.

I love Draven not because he saved my life, but because he gave me a reason to live. He helped me find the courage to fight. He helped me see that there was so much more to life than what I had at home.

The moment I opened my eyes to him, I saw the world differently. It was no longer black and white. It was full of color and laughter. He brought such joy to my life. In so many ways.

And even after he left my love for him remained. I could feel him, knew he loved me, knew he missed me as much as I missed him. That's why it was so hard to say goodbye to him. And yes I know I should've sensed he was back, but I'd shut myself off from him for so long at that point I just wasn't looking for the signs.

But when I opened that door, I was overpowered by the feelings rushing back. It was as if time had stood still. We were the same two beings we'd always been, well, I was vampire now, but we still belonged to one another.

I love Draven more than any words can express. I love him to the very depths of my soul. I would rather meet final death than see pain in his eyes.

And someday I'll be able to fully express to him that love. Until then, I can simply say....

Dusk,

I love you.

Sunshine